Left my Bubble for the annual Texas Veterans Commission Summit earlier this month, and am just being able to feel my normal.
I had a table there, to set up information about MST and my books. It went well, all except having to recoup from leaving my bubble. What is my bubble? Well it is the places that I have considered, not safe, there is no where on earth that truly is safe, but where I am familiar with, I have scanned the area, I know the exits, I know the layout. Also I can get home in a reasonable amount of time if I cannot deal with the noise, smells, sounds or people. Away in Austin, there is so much to be anxious about, and I was. This was the first time that I was "public" (in person) and talking about MST to people I was not familiar with; the first time after being dumped by the National Organization of Women because I did not fit into their agenda (1992). That was a hard lesson to learn. I truly thought they wanted to help me out, to bring light to what had happened to me, what was happening to other women in the military. They knew my story and right before I got in front of the media I was asked to leave out certain parts, parts which did not politically run in line with their agenda. I did not, I was there to tell what happened, not to be censored by an organization that was supposed to care about what was happening. NOW victimized me, they betrayed me and left me. I would not use the words "fetus" and "miscarriage," that is not what happened, I used "murder" and "baby" because that was what happened. They knew my political views, they knew the story, they just wanted media for their own agenda, and it was NOT to help women, it was to further their own political presence. So I closed up, publicly, and it took years to work through that revicitimzation that they knowingly caused.
Austin was different. I was not the same person standing behind the table that had sat in front of the live cameras. Even though I am much older (and hopefully wiser) I had a new since of anxiety, than I had back in 1992. Back then I did not know that I no longer was able to comprehend and absorb information as I had done prior to my concussion. At the time I knew there were gaps in my memory, but I had kept meticulous journals, so even without being able to mentally recall events, I had evidence they happened. As I said, I did not know this new me, I did not realize that just trying to learn something new was now going to be a chore, as it was so easy before. I have taken classes over and over on the same subjects hoping with each additional class, each additional book that I read, something would stay. My new anxiety was forgetting what I knew. Forgetting what I had written in my book about MST. That is the worst. For the past 20 years I have been educating myself as much as possible, but my ability to keep that information is limited. I once read a quote on line, thought "that's good, I need to quote this person" only to realize the quote was from what I had written. I wanted to quote myself. Not only an annoyance, but serious anxiety when you are talking about the subject without the comfort of a manual to follow. Then there are the days that my brain just wants to stop working, where I can think for hours on how to spell the word "if." I know what it is, at least I have the feeling that I know the word, used it millions of times, but when words are gone, simple words, it's hard to answer questions when you know at any moment the conversation could change to Latin, and I don't know Latin. Not that the other person has any idea that what is coming out of their mouth seems to be %**&&^E*, but they are still talking English.
My English teachers would have a field day with me. I can go from complex psychological jargon, sentences that are the entire paragraph to first grade and "see me write," and not realize that my mind has once again misplaces a whole book full of words.
I know, I digress. Back to the bubble. So I am out of my bubble, out of the area that I know, with anxiety levels off the charts, which lowers my already compromised immune system (thank you toxic chemicals from Saudi, as well as the others that were shot into me - Air Force). After I get back, it's about a week later that I can get out of bed and do a little around the house. Two weeks later and I am back to just about where I was before I left. Now as long as nothing else attacks my immune system, and I stay away from stress (I have teenagers, this is almost an impossibility) I will function at my normal again in three weeks.
Many do not understand the toll that stress (anxiety, hypervigilance, negative thoughts - PTSD) can have on a person's ability to keep their immune system working to keep away the simplest viruses that are an everyday attack.
Back to finishing up the 200 promotional necklaces that I am doing for the next VWise program.
