Taking the decision of prosecution out of commanders hands.

I have decided that I am on the side of taking the decision of going toward a court-martial, is cases of sexual assault, out of the hands of the commander. I have read the bill and listened to hours of testimony and this is another way the branches can show that they have no tolerance for sexual assault.

Of the testimonies against this action were commanders in the different branches. They stated that taking this action would take away the ability of the commander to set the tone for no tolerance. It also would take away the deterrent the commander has of going to court martial if the member does not accept an Article 15 (non-judicial punishment). I don’t see it that way. If there is not sufficient evidence for a court-martial then giving the member the option of Article 15 or court-martial is still there.

Say Marine A is in front of the commander and has been accused of sexual assault. If the lawyer does not see the ability of going straight to a court-martial the commander can still give the Article 15, or lesser reprimand, which with the non-judicial punishment proceedings Marine A could demand a court-martial instead. The ability to back the no tolerance is still there. What is no longer there is the ability of the commander to discreetly do away with the allegations or to give a lesser reprimand to Marine A because Marine A happens to be what they call a golden soldier.

I, unfortunately, saw way too many allegations go nowhere because it is easier to silence a victim than to deal with what is happening in the squadron. Most disturbing was many of the accused were commanders. I understand this was over 20 years ago, but I have not been out of touch with what is still occurring. I have heard hundreds of people’s stories (if not more) and there was ample evidence for prosecution, but the commander decided not to do anything, or give a slap on the wrist, even just a “don’t do that again.”

My reply to the commanders is – this is not some new epidemic, it has been going on longer than 20 years, and so far the commanders (as a whole) have not done a good job, so why would we believe them now? If true action is to be taken, then let’s take it. This actually does not interfere with the commander’s authority, but backs it. If there is ample reason for court-martial then that should already have been the commander’s decision. It is the commanders that want to not prosecute that this “interferes” with. Commanders are not lawyers, they are not (generally) educated in the legal aspects of prosecution, especially for such a heinous crime as sexual assault.

Understanding MST and what should be done, before we act we must think.

To many the news of Military Sexual Trauma is a recent development, recent epidemic, unfortunately it is not. While I was in the military, over 20 years ago, sexual assault was a problem back then too. There are hundreds of thousands of survivors of MST, both men and women.

I have been asked if the military itself is a culture for sexual assault. I do not believe so. I have met thousands of service members and veterans who served (are serving) honorably. There are problems within the military, but before anyone comes up with changing the whole system, we need to think. The military is not any other type of organization and that needs to be understood first off. Some concepts, rules and regulations that would not be considered at all in the civilian work world must continue in the military. I have not yet completely made up my mind on the suggestion that reports of sexual assault be taken out of military jurisdiction and placed under civilian authority. As being a survivor, I do understand the want to not allow commanders the ability to dismiss reports or to slap wrists for sexual assault; but I also understand the reason behind the commander having such powers of immediate punishment.

            I listened to the hours of the House Armed Services Committee hearings and can see there is a lot of lip service from the branches, but I also see that many well-intended people do not fully grasp the mission of the military with many of their suggestions.

            Before looking into the culture of the military, we should look at what has happened to our American culture. First off let me make this very clear – women and men are not the same and never will be. We can be treated equally but that is not what many so called feminist are perpetuating. Many feminist are advocating far beyond what used to be the definition of feminist. They are trying to neutralize the physical and spiritual differences between men and women. It does not matter how high you try and yell that women and men are the same, we are not, and we are not supposed to be. It is a fact that there are differences, physically, chemically and spiritually between men and women.

            Our culture has had a serious attack on the family and morality, yet it seems many do not see the connection between that and the downward spiral that this country is in. One of the first things all the branches can do is to raise the standards of entry in the service. When any of the branches does not get near its quota they lower the standards and allow substandard applicants in, this creates a substandard soldier. No person who has been convicted of sexual assault should ever be allowed into the military, as well as certain other offenses. The military is not a place for people to fix their own issues, or escape from whatever is going on in their life. The military needs to make sure the people going in are physically and mentally well. The military does not need to be seen as a “last resort” for anyone. It needs to be looked upon as a choice on the same level as a good job, and even schooling.

            The moral attack on our culture can easily be seen by looking at the television with such shows coming on as Pregnant and Dating and new terms like “baby daddy.” I know the very mention of morality and people begin to start saying that I am just a hater. Let me explain something very carefully so that is in no way taken out of context. My moral values and beliefs do not mean that I hate anyone. I can say fully that I know many homosexuals and I care for them, but their behavior is immoral, period. I have acquaintances who I stand next to on many issues, who are in relationships (man and woman) and are not married but living together, that also is immoral. I am tired of hearing that my beliefs are somehow equal to hatred of others, they are not. I can discuss many issues with facts and stats and beliefs without calling anyone else a derogatory name. This country (whether some want to remember or not) was founded on Christian values. Oh, and if anyone wants to actually discuss the issue of church and state (without name calling and make sure you know history) I have no problems. Many people do not actually look into what they have heard, they do not question what is told to them, they just accept it. I am a firm believer that the world is getting warmer; I am not at all on the side that we are the reason for it. I have seen real research, not fluffed up articles, and it is not a cause and effect. The earth actually has gone through many warm and cooling spells, long before we were here, why would that change now? I find it astonishing that many have never read one single true research paper and call others names who do not agree with the human caused green-house global warming concept. As a researcher, that is what I like to do, look at the data, not what another has interpreted the data to mean.

            Another way that the branches can stop giving just lip service that they are doing everything they can to decrease sexual assaults is to discharge (not honorably or even General under honorable conditions) anyone who has been convicted of sexual assault. For convictions I am referring to any type – if they agree to an Article 15 instead of court martial, or the commander has given a lesser punishment, they should automatically be put in for a discharge.

            And the last, yet will be the most denied as well as fought to keep – stop the mandatory and accepted drinking parties. It is not that drinking causes assaults, but we all know what alcohol does to the brain. That was pretty much the thing to do in the military, drink, especially in my career field – cops seemed to drink excessively. The military needs to understand that the still accepted way of dealing with trauma and stress, drinking, needs to change. It is a weaker person who reaches for the bottle than to ask for help. The stigma and myths of mental illness needs to be taught though out the branches. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder should not be considered a disorder. It is a normally reaction to an abnormal event.

            Again, I still have not decided that the correct route is to take the authority away from commanders. There are programs that are in place at this time, they are just in trial mode, but they seem to have potential. Unfortunately along with well-meaning people there are those who are jumping on the wagon with other agendas. I will not stand idly by and allow this; I shall call them out when I come across them. MST has nothing to do with how many women are in the military, or where they are posted. MST has nothing to do with homosexuality. MST is about power, control, humiliation, and anger; let us all remember that.https://www.createspace.com/pub/simplesitesearch.search.do?sitesearch_query=understanding+mst&sitesearch_type=STORE

Frustration continues with the VA after 20 years.

Frustration continues with the VA after 20 years.

I don’t know why it would be any different. I had high hopes that 20 years later the filing for disability claims would at least have some improvements, I was mistaken. I filed for the claims that have been previously denied because I did not know enough years ago to be able to rebuke their decisions. Today I received a letter that I found really telling. I believe the letter was to put me from the “awaiting a decision” pile into “awaiting more information from the veteran,” for the mere reason to have a lower number of “backlogged” claims for the end of the year. Why? Well when I had put in for the claims, I attached a 45 page annotated detailed list of when, where and why for all of my claims. The letter which I received was the want of more information. I have been helping others with disability claims due to Military Sexual Trauma, actively, for the past 5 years. I have gotten the veteran what they were entitled to. I know what is needed to file and win a claim, the process of the VA, the certain words that need to be put into the claim, what is needed from the doctors, all of it. So when I got this recent letter, after it has been in the claims process for about a year (it was a continuation of a file over two years ago), I just had to do some deep breathing techniques.

I wonder how many other veterans have received such letters just to allow the VA to have better numbers with their backlogs for the end of the year. This exact thing has happened a year ago, take me out of the “waiting for claims” to put me into the “waiting for the veteran” pile. The one paragraph in the letter that made me take even more breaths was “You have claimed exposure to an environmental hazard based on your service during the Gulf War. We can take no action since you did not claim a specific disability. Tell us the specific disability that resulted from your exposure so we can process your claim. Attached to this letter is a more detailed guide called “Submitting evidence for claims about GULF WAR UNDIAGNOSED ILLNESSES” to help you submit evidence in support of your claim.” This would not as be as frustrating if I had not already been given this paper (a year ago) and gone over it, again, line by line putting in all the information. I filed the exact same information from the exact same requested information from the beginning. I have had two Gulf War Registry Examinations, the first one the VA lost all the information on, except the one page that states when I had the exam done and who was the Nurse Practitioner who got the beginning vitals. Everything else in the exam is somehow lost from my records. I have had another one completed with the listed disabilities that I have because of the exposures, also submitted with previous claims. I have listed the exact symptoms and disabilities which are related to the exposures, they have been conveniently removed from this claim, thank you VA. I will be sending them in a copy of the original claims process and also the one where they sent me back the letter stating what I was claiming, which is yet another reason this is so annoying. To continually remind the VA what the claims are, even when the previous letters they sent had the disabilities listed, and now they don’t. It continually amazes me how the years change, but the inconsistencies, mind-numbing stupidness, and “lost” information from the VA does not.

For the past 20 plus years I have purposely utilized the VA for the symptoms which I know where caused from my service time. So the evidence that is still around, ok, if they haven’t purged it, is in my medical records, and the limited records that I have been given from the VA. Complete records I have continually requested and not been given, again Thank you VA.

As I get older, the disabilities are not getting better, but worse, and I have a sinking feeling that I will one day die from them. Before that time I want to make sure that all of the issues are documented and recognized by the VA, so that when I do expire from one of them (or a combination of them) my family will still be able to receive the benefits that I have fought these past 20 plus years for. It’s exhaustive to continually look through my records, continually tell the VA they have the exact information they are continually requesting, the information that I gave from the beginning.

For all of you who are in the claims process, maybe just received a letter asking for more information, information the VA has already been given, just so that their numbers look better at the end of the year. I feel for you, but do not give up. I have been fighting over 20 years, and I will continue to fight this until I receive what I am asking for. I do hope if I die while in the “claims process” my family will continue with my claim until they have the letters agreeing that the injuries were sustained in the military, were due to my service, and are service-connected.

On a lighter note, a Merry Christmas to you all, and a Happy New Year too.

What is unique about Military Sexual Trauma?

What is unique about Military Sexual Trauma?

There are unique aspects to Military Sexual Trauma which you do not have in the civilian world. I have watched the “Lauren” episodes on youtube.com/wigs. There are three of them and I would suggest you also see them. Besides the obvious errors, many veterans and active duty will pick up on, it is done very well. 

Chain of command and rank play an especially central part when it comes to reporting a sexual assault and sexual harassment. Although the two are handled by different agencies outside of the above listed, your chain of command and the ranks involved are such a huge factor toward justice being started or to be pushed under the rug. 

Many may see Lauren as a tale of fiction, but I am here to tell you, not only does what occurred in the episodes happen, it can be worse. At times it is not the choice of doing what is right and doing what you love that silences a person, sometimes it’s the threat of death on the victim, or the understanding if she says a word, the next time the squad goes out on manovers, she might not come back. That is a serious threat, spoken aloud and insinuated to many women who have been victimized.

I would have liked the episodes to end on a better note, not that it is not what happens, and I for one completely understand what does when you do what is right, but that’s what needs to be done. I understand many of the repercussions, I lived through many of them, but even though justice was not even looked upon in my cases, I did what was right, on a few occasions. I would like to say that I did what was right on all of them, but I succumbed to fear and threats. I most likely would not be writing this right now, had I did what was right every time, but my conscious also would not be harping on me for giving in.

I know many people are afraid of death, afraid of being discharged, being written up for things you did not do, being labeled with a disorder and discharged, not be able to continue in what you love, be considered a screw-up, have lies spread about you, and have to fight to have some of these things changed (just a little); but, in the instances that I did what was right, no matter the consequences, those are the incidents that I can look back on and feel firm in my decision. Those decisions cost me what I loved to do, cost me so much, but it is better to be able to state you did what was right than you did what was safe.

I know for a fact that justice will eventually prevail, maybe not in this life, but in the end justice will prevail and they will be held accountable for what they did. And I will also be held accountable for my decisions and I will be able to say that I did what was right. I did not have to ask for forgiveness, I did not have to go through the steps of repentance. It was never said that when you do what is right that all will be ok. Sometimes doing what is right is the beginning of your trails.

One aspect why Military Sexual Trauma has a higher rate of PTSD diagnoses is just what happened in the Lauren clips, the cover-up from people who are supposed to be looking out for your welfare. When a restricted report is made, the victim may NOT talk to anyone but the three listed personnel: health care/mental health counselors, Chaplin, victim advocate (VA). They cannot talk to any other persons, or those persons (if they are in the military) must come forward and report the incident. 

Although it seems as though restricted reporting is helping the person stay anonymous, the negatives are tremendous, and are an added risk for developing more severe mental health issues. It is not the fact that you can supposedly stay anonymous and still receive some help, it is that you are restricted to who you can talk to.

These are some of the uniquenesses which can occur with Military Sexual Trauma that in the civilian world it is not an issue. How would you feel if you had been assaulted and your immediate supervisor, and his boss are told what happened? That everyone you work with knows, not only you were assaulted but many of the details? That you come in with your statement, a video of the assault, all the evidence to prosecute and convict the perpetrators and you are told that you need to just suck it up, deal with it, you are now restricted to who you can talk to about this incident, you will never get justice, oh and by the way, one of the perpetrators is the person you have to work with every day, to show respect to, call him sir, salute if required, to be at his whims for your evaluations, to be subjected to his commands for what post (position, area) you will work at? How would that make you feel? He knows he raped you, he knows you know, so at ever chance when nobody else can hear he tells you how much you must have enjoyed it because nothing happened to him. He gives you sly smiles, brushes up against you, then calls you a slut and whore to his buddies. Everyone knows what happened and believes their stories of how you wanted it, you liked you, you slut.

Now try and be professional at all times, thinking only about the job, being told that you are not doing a good enough job, written up for things you did not do, but no keep those thoughts and all the rest out of your mind as you are walking point with everyone behind you, knowing at any moment you could be ambushed or run into the enemy and the bullets will be flying. Don’t think about which of the bullets will be flying toward you, the “friendly fire.” As you walk, you know full well that there will not be yellow tape put down and an investigation conducted if bullets happen to not go past you to the enemy, but to your back. And don’t think that at any moment, if the bullets start to fly, or a bomb goes off, that the people behind you, you know the guy that assaulted you and got away with it, his friends who believe that you wanted it and are just making problems because now everyone knows you’re a slut, will wait for you to get back to safety, make sure they put down suppression fire so you can get out. Don’t think that they are having you go first, knowing full well if anything happens you are the most likely to die. No, you cannot think about that, you have to think about all the other things you are there for, or you will mess up and you will come back in a bag instead of with your “comrades.” 

When thinking about veterans, or active duty that have been in for years, know that congress mandated the military into making the SARP (Sexual Assault Response Program), in 2005. The Lauren clips are what happens now, so think about what happened before. So before 2005, there was no agency that gave regulations on how to respond to an assault, it pretty much was up to the command, if that was the person who you went to. But even if you went to Law Enforcement (military) it usually when back to your commander. Your commander had the ability to say if he wanted this to go forward, or if you need to just be silent. It would amaze most civilians to know that your boss gets to decide if you were assaulted, or if it was just a “misunderstanding.” How many of you would put that into your boss’s hands?

As you have read, there are uniquenesses to Military Sexual Trauma, and it is imperative that these uniquenesses are known by the majority, not concealed by the military.

  

Positive releases of anger.

Over the years I have communicated with many who had been taught that anger was a sin or evil, that at every moment you needed to be in any other emotional state, other than anger. You could feel guilty, you could be sad, happy, content, the list goes on and on, but not angry. I was not brought up that way, so the concept of anger being bad never crossed my mind. I know there is righteous anger, but the way we release it, and it needs to be released, determines whether it is positive or negative.

It seems everyone knows the tale of the parent getting yelled at work for something they did not do and kept  in that anger until they got home and release it on the child who then releases it on the dog. The downward spiral of anger is very harmful, and it usually is not circular, it ends on the bottom, but the process can repeat over and over again. Or it can just be that one release of an angry burst toward someone who did not have anything to do with the cause.

I have been the target, many times, of displaced anger. Most times I would like to lash out and just pummel (verbally or written) them, especially when the anger was mix with an intent to inflict personal emotional injury. That has been a very difficult skill to continually exercise, but I am thankful that I have gotten much better.

So what can be a positive release of anger? I hate to even write the word but, exercise. Thankfully that is not the only positive way, or I would be seriously in trouble. You can scream, just out loud, not words, just the scream. I would caution you as to when to use this; you do not want to be in one of the next “People of Walmart” emails, or Youtube hits. There are hundreds of thousands of articles and websites which list a cornucopia (just really like to use that word at times) of ways. What is helpful for one does nothing for another. What works one time, might not the next.  Find many that work for you.

You can talk it out. This one has never worked for me. Although I see myself more on the rational side, I can talk myself into rational ways to negatively deal with anger. Some can use exercise, I swear, I am an oddity, (liked the word better than freak, plus it was the first to come up when I clicked for the synonym) when I exercise I just get even more angry and angry, that is if I begin exercising while I am angry. It seems the more negative energy that I release in that way builds more up. I can be totally exhausted and completely ticked off. I write and usually get distracted on a word in a sentence that I want to use but cannot think of it, so I look for it, then find another one, then wonder if that word would be good in another piece that I am writing, then think about the other piece, then… I get can get totally lost in writing, so much so that I must continually read what the topic is, or the past few paragraphs to remind myself what it was that I had begun to try and communicate in the first place. I also tend to get very calm doing very intricate work, like beading (I normally use size 15s in the seed beads and 1 – 1.8 in bicones and other beads), taking a toothpick and cleaning out the little spaces that can get dirt and grime into them (on the stove, the microwave, around the sink, even the push buttons on our cordless phone) take a paint brush to the edges of the trim (we are remodeling our house, as well as have added an addition).  I also like to think of new crafts, and ways to make the craft using items normally not used that way. Or I take out the propane torch and do a little “art.” But that’s me.

There are many ways to positively release anger, and having it is not bad, remember Jesus became quite angry in the temple area at the money exchangers, and he gave up his spirit sinless, so the emotion of anger is not a sin.

One final note, if you find that writing something out to release that anger helps, before sending it (if that is your thought), think about it, what will it actually accomplish, was that person even involved, or are you transferring the anger onto an innocent bystander who happened to wander into your sight at the time?

How the truth was changed without my realization.

How the truth was changed without my realization.

It happens to many, and I would not have even thought about it unless I had looked back at my journal entries to help with my healing. After I had been sexually assaulted, I had known it. I had written in my journal that night that I knew I had been sexually assaulted; my supervisor had tried to rape me. I was righteously infuriated by the response of not only my fellow comrades, but also the Captain, who was our compound commander, especially considering we were Security Police. I had gone straight to the desk, straight to tell what had happened; only to learn the perp, my supervisor, was already there and saying that it was a joke. During the assault his own Military Working Dog also knew what was going on and attacked him. So he tried to say that he was tickling me and that is when his MWD bit him, the “joke” that he said was that his dog did not want to lose an “easy piece of ass.” I could not believe the others were not only buying the lie but laughing at it, at me, at the sexual assault. I read on through the next months to see the change in the truth, the change that I was now buying into. So many had continually told me that I had just “misunderstood” the assault, it was just that he was tickling me.  Because of the continual harassment and further horrors I went through from his doing, eventually I began to question myself, did I really misunderstand? Did it really happen the way that I knew it had? Under extreme stress I started to say that I had been tickled, that even though the “joke” I knew was still sexual harassment, that is what it became. The truth had changed; they had been successful in changing what was a sexual assault to sexual harassment, even in my own statements that I made, I could see how torn I was. I wasn’t torn that night of the assault, I knew what happened when I wrote about it, yet even with the complete understanding that it was a sexual assault, where had I began to question my own truth?

            Did your truth change because of what others told you? Did you ever question what you had known was right, known what happened, what it was, to something else? It is the ploy of the perp as well as others to do this, to change the truth to protect themselves, to make something horrible not so. Most understand the perp’s reasons, but why the others? There are many reasons. In the military, one of them is that you do not turn on your own. Even though the victim has been the one who was turned on, it is easier to go along with the perp, to discount the abuse, discount it was sexual, discount that your unit is not cohesive, discount that dishonor runs rampant through the services. Since the majority of perps are higher in rank than the victim, many just see the stripes, the shiny pieces of metal on the shoulders and that is all they see, rank vs rank, and in the majority of the cases that means the victim loses before she or he even opens their mouths.

            One of the hard parts in this path of healing has been to look over what I have accepted because of the want of others to replace the truth with something else. I do not blame myself for their brainwashing. I am not of weak character for it to have occurred. Just as they wanted what happened to be something else, I had also, for different reasons though. I really wanted it to have never happened; I wanted it to be a “misunderstanding.” I wanted to accept their lies because it was easier, it was less horrible than the truth. Now I know that although I still would love the truth to not be what it is, that is not healthy for myself or others. What happened did, it was sexual assault, it was attempted rape, his MWD did attack him (even his own dog knew), I was betrayed. As hard as it was to accept what I knew as the truth, what I had written, it is so much better.

           

Evil choice

The words that were used.

There have been times that I have been stuck in the investigation and understanding of what has happened to me. My thoughts were that if I only could figure out the red flags that I missed, or the “why me” I could prevent being sexually assaulted again. But that is so not true. It is yet another way to try and control the chaos that we call life. It has nothing to do with the “why” from me, it had everything to do with the “why” in his mind, and that cannot be figured out. You cannot read another mind, you cannot truly know what they are thinking, what they are scheming, or what they are planning to do.

Sure looking back some see the “red flags” they assume they missed, or they pushed out of their minds with “oh that’s not what he meant,” but is it really necessary to try and figure it all out? For keeping yourself safe, listening to what your feelings were at the time can be helpful, but sometimes there were no red flags, you look back and cannot see what “you did” that would have caused it, what “you did” that would keep it from happening again. The horror of it all is that it wasn’t what “you did,” (or did not do) you cannot make yourself completely safe. Because evil exists in this world, there truly is no “safe” place. I challenge any therapist to tell me where this “safe place” is, and I will give them a scenario that makes it not safe. But just because the world is not safe does not mean that we try and hide ourselves away from everyone hoping the less contact with others, the less possibility to be hurt. That is not healthy. We are social and made to be with one another, to help one another, to love one another, and at times while we are doing this, bad things will happen. Bad things happen to good people all the time. It is not what has happened to you, but how you perceived what happened.

I thought back to when I had been first assaulted in the military. The perp told me that I wanted what was happening to happen, that I liked it, that it was me that caused this to happen. That’s a load of bull that we need to get rid of. It is these words that were used by the perps and by others to have us wondering what it was that we did. To try and shift the blame back on us. The perps do it to get out of what they did, to rationalize to themselves, to put blame somewhere else, and even to help turn your own mind against you. Others use these words to make their seemly safe world stay that way, to block that there is true evil in this world, that another can take pleasure in the humiliation and torture of another human. That is why so many people want to associate some type of mental illness with someone who commits these acts, they do not want to really know that there is nothing mentally ill about these people; they have just chosen evil. They did not just sit back and let things happen, they acted upon the evil, they made a choice to do it. And you cannot understand the reasons why they choose that evil, it just is.

So why do we choose to use words that would give some responsibility to what happened back on us? Because we are bombarded with them. Our bodies knew what was happening, our minds just tried to rationalize something that is not rational, give meaning to something that is meaningless, find the red flags so that it does not happen again. Evil will still happen. We need to know that, accept that, and move to live in a world with that knowledge. All those words are used to protect others, not ourselves. To protect the perp from the responsibility (and rightful consequences) of their choices, to protect the rest from taking their heads out of the sand and admitting there is evil, there is not true understanding of it, we cannot put some diagnosis on it, it is not a mental illness, it was a mental choice, an evil mental choice.