Years later and it still effects me.

I have not worked for an actual employer for about 13 years, I have volunteered for bunches of places, but there when I could be, and nothing that required my being there at any specific time. Because of my service-connected disabilities, finding an employer who had the flexibility that I needed in a job was pretty much out of the question. I am actually glad it happened. I was forced home but got to raise my children and understand the importance it is for someone to always be there for them when they are home (but that’s another entry).

So, I have my actual first day at work. It is training for situations where a client could become aggressive, how to handle yourself and make it so that the client is not injured. I was not hired for a position that would deal with clients as the training was for, but it’s mandatory for the entire organization, so I had to be there. The person who was doing the training had done it so often and just went through the motions of the beginning, which now she will not do. There was a paper to sign saying that you are physically fit and have talked to the instructor prior about any medical conditions, she went right from reading a little to telling everyone to just sign the paper. I did not. I know that I am not physically fit, did not know the extent of what this training was going to be, and not about to agree to anything that I was not fully aware of.

Thank heaven there was another woman veteran there (she also was hired for the same job that I am going to be doing). We had fun laughing at what others thought would be good techniques for someone trying to hurt them. As veterans, there was already a bit of trust for one another. It was extremely hard to actually try and do what they wanted us to do, it was awkward and totally not how either of us was trained. It came to a part where I was not comfortable with. I do not like people coming up behind me, let alone having them put me in a bear hug. I had been ok with from the side because I could see them, and it was the other veteran who was the “them” so far. The trainer came over and told me that it was my turn and I said that I was not comfortable with this. She looked at me and pretty much said that I needed to do the technique, like I was whinnying about it. So this other woman, who had been right next to us all day, took it upon herself to be the assailant. I was very specific that we needed to do this just as it was demonstrated. So I kept thinking “don’t throw her, don’t throw her,” which was the natural trained reaction to what she did. I was controlling my breathing and doing ok. I called for “help” which was also part of it (I would have never had to call, that person would have been on the ground in a second). My helper came over and began to take one of the hands off me. I took hold of the thumb (again I would not have) and slowly began to nicely put it over to the side to hold it, that’s when she tightened up. I added a little more pressure to say “that’s enough,” but she clamped down on me. It wasn’t even more than half a second and she was to the side, holding her finger saying that I broke it. The trainer looked at her like “come on, it’s not broke” and then looked at me. I said if it wasn’t broke, most likely it was fractured, but I know that I tore everything that was connected in that finger. Everyone paused and just looked. I said that I was sorry but I was very sure that I had really hurt her. I told her and the instructor they needed to do an incident report. The lady brushed it off, so did the instructor, I was very persistent, it needed to be documented. I knew it would not be until the next day where she would not be able to use it at all.

Then a few more techniques came up and I was flat – I am not doing it. I wasn’t afraid that I would be upset, or even that it would trigger some negative emotion in me. I was working with women but knew that it was not a good idea. I was right that time and someone had been hurt, I did not want to hurt anyone else, and I especially did not want to really injure someone. Not that the finger isn’t really injured, my thoughts are that she was still able to walk and breath. The trainer’s helper tried to press me to do it. Did they not get it? Nope. I said no.

So the next day I see the lady, we are now in training for CPR. Her finger is three times the size, bruises and red marks, especially in the joint area. She had not made an incident report. I told her again that she needed to do it. I had told my direct supervisor about it and followed what I needed to do. I could not believe that she had not at least done an incident report or went to the doctor.

But to me, it was hard.  I thought that the people who had hired me were a little educated about veterans and some of the issues that many of us have, especially women who were assaulted in the military. I am very open; I mean I wrote enough books to be “open” about most of what I experienced and was hired for the education and experience that I bring. But again, I was not heard when I stated that I did not feel comfortable. I did not take the instructor aside, she did not give the chance to do it privately, and I don’t go out of my way to explain when that is their job to know. Even if I had not been in the military, because of the amount of women who are sexually assaulted, it would not be a push for there to be more than one woman in there who had been. The trainer should understand that and never push anyone to do something they are very clear that they are not comfortable with. I didn’t say it softly I was very serious and straight out about it.

It wasn’t just me. The other veteran who was with me did not want to do one of the techniques, after my incident, and she was told that she should just “try.” I said no, she wasn’t going to do it, and by the way I wasn’t either. The organization just started the program that we were hired for, Veteran’s Resource Center, and just like other places, the heart felt want is there, but not the understanding many of the issues. The techniques were trained for, if used on many veterans, would get the person doing them really hurt, if not killed. The “sneaking up from behind” is not a good idea, the “put your hand on their arm,” nope, the “both of you flank the person who is holding a weapon and visually irritated,” not either. So we will be doing our own training before anyone comes to the Center to work.

My children laughed at the whole situation, 13 years off work, my first back and did not even make it a hole day without something from my past messing up the now. Nobody else in the training hurt anyone, this was the first time that there had been an incident during training for the trainer, and she has done it for years. I know that it was their mistake, but again, it can make a person feel like an outsider. Here hundreds of other employees had no problem, and I am sure that someone, at one time, probably was messing around too. I know the other lady was with her partner prior to her volunteering, and the look on the faces of the others (excluding the other veteran) was shock and disbelief that I had really hurt someone over just being held tight. I am happy they do not have the same feelings that I do when that happened, but again that has the inclination to separate me out from the “norm.”

I have computer training that needs to be completed prior to going to the Center. I am only part-time but was told that my first two weeks they know if I do 40 hours it’s ok, because it is expected with the training that all employees must go through. I have tried, but I had to pull back. I was hired with the knowledge that I would work part-time, not part-time because I want to, part-time because I cannot give the regular hours without it doing some serious damage to functionability.  That has not changed. Again I am separated out.

I had accepted the new me, and have been ok to this point, but now that I am back in the working world, working for someone, I will have to once again accept another new me – the new working (part-time) me.

What a day is like for me. Life with service-connected disability.

What a day is like for me.  Life with service-connected disability.

It’s considered another day even though I haven’t been to sleep yet. It’s another night that I just lay there while my head continues to run from one thought to the next. All the house is sleeping, everything, even the cats, but I am wide awake. I cannot watch TV because that never gets me tired, as a few minutes with the TV on in the bedroom and my husband is snoring. I can hear the dogs as they snore around the bed. If I write, I could do that for hours, if I read I could do that for hours too. All I can do, to be able to get some sleep is to lie there, close my eyes and hope for sleep.

I am getting tired and feeling like sleep might be coming but one of the dogs hears something outside and is up and out the dog door. The other dogs hear her and out they go. Sometimes it is “quietly,” where I am the only one who hears them, other times they start the barking from under the bed and bark the whole way outside. Those times it disturbs my husband, his breathing changes. He could sleep through a freight training going through the bedroom. They all come back in and lay down. Soon they are all out again and I am the only one left awake. I have comfort in them. If they were not there by me keeping me safe, making sure if there is a sound that I do not hear they do, I wouldn’t get any sleep.

I glance around the room and see something, or do I? I think I saw a shadow, was it from a car coming in the driveway? Was it from someone prowling around my house? I look at the dogs, they aren’t moving, it was just my mind again. I have had the prowler outside the house trying to look into my daughter’s room. I have had the guy come into my daughter’s room in the middle of the night (who does not understand how lucky he was that my husband got to him first – had it been me, he’d been dead, not just hurt). I am an MST survivor, attacked by my own. Had someone try to climb into my room while I was in Saudi, had someone come up behind me when I opened my door and push me inside to try and rape me. I have been almost kidnapped by a taxi driver in Saudi, sold off to some Saudi guy (by my own), left to see if I’d make it back alive, my car broken into and purse stolen in the church parking lot. I have reason to think there could be someone out there. There has been “someone” out there before, but I know that it’s me, it’s because of the past that I see the shadows, wake up to the different sounds the house makes on occasion, can hear the change in breathing patterns of my children in the other room, hear the soft footsteps when they get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Hear the neighbor dog as he eats our cat foot out the side of the house. I hear it all. I had to stay vigilant for so many years, I haven’t been able to turn it off – it’s always on, when I am awake, even when I am “sound” asleep.

Finally I fall to sleep but within two hours I am up again, my daughter has gotten up to get ready for work. I can hear her shower going. It takes about an hour before I can fall back to sleep, but up again when she comes downstairs for food and to leave. The dogs hear her and are up, I was up when I heard her feet on the stairs. She’s gone and this continues as my husband gets up, then our female house guest then my son. Between all this and my getting up to use the bathroom (at least twice) I can get a good three hours of continuous sleep on a good night. Then just here and there a few minutes to an hour.

It’s time for me to get up, but this morning I have been dreading lifting up my body, another headache. The climate has changed and I have one of the annoying always there pressure headaches which feel like a beanie that’s too tight on my head. I lift up and I wait while my body adjusts to being upright. It won’t matter if I try and sleep it off, this one I just have to deal with. I figure after my morning meds are down for at least an hour, I’ll take some IB or acetaminophen. I check the calendar on the wall to see if I have any appointments for the day. I do it periodically throughout the day because sometimes I cannot remember that I have an appointment right after I have checked the calendar, that’s why it’s in the kitchen where I have to walk by it to my room and during the day. I get the meds that I determined I would take from the VA and take them with breakfast. I sit on the couch and check my emails for a few minutes getting ready for a shower.

That’s when it happens, all of a sudden I feel a rush of heat over my body. Not again. Sure enough within a few more seconds I am in the bathroom and my breakfast and meds are coming out. In my rush I forget to close the door and in comes our new four month old German Shepherd puppy, who knows since I am on the floor it must be time to play. He gets a few licks in until I grab his collar and hold him. He’s not doing anything wrong and there is no correction, it was me who forgot to shut the door. I make a mental note that I need to make sure that I do that next time. That does not mean the next time I will remember, but I may.

So I can feel that it’s one of those days. A day that I must stay home and near the bathroom. A day if I had appointments I would have to take extra meds to get me through the appointments, that I would pay for the next few days. I clean up and head back to the couch. I don’t know what meds were absorbed, I cannot take more or I get too much, I have to wait through the discomfort (sometimes) pain until the next med time. I know that I also have to wait out the headache, my stomach will not take anything but water and crackers, maybe Sprite, but mostly defizzed. I go back to the couch and turn on the TV to some nature channel. I know that my time on the computer for the day will be greatly limited, to keep the headache from becoming a migraine. My body shakes a little from the meds that aren’t in there and I wish that I could just go back to bed. I don’t because there is no reason, whether or not I’m in bed has nothing to do with how my day will go. If I was in the bed I still would not sleep, I would still shake and I would still have the headache, so no reason to just lay there, I will do a little “work.”

I look around the house and want to clean up. I want to do the daily sweeping you have to do with dogs. I want to put the dishes into the dishwasher, to do some laundry, but if I move too much I will be back in the bathroom and I hate dry heaving, it hurts. The little dust monsters (they would be bunnies if I did not have big shepherds) that appear every day will have to just grow for the day. My day will be on the couch, to the bathroom, back to the couch, all day long.

I get out my spiral notebooks because computer time will cause a migraine. I have dozens of notebooks with all my writings. I have written books, they begin in notebooks, they end in notebooks, longhand. I will transfer them to the computer on another day. I have the TV on for educational purposes. Because it’s summer I watch my son come downstairs, get his own breakfast then head to the video game. He turns if on and off during the day as he goes around the house, out to see a friend, back in for some food, which begins with him just stating that he’s hungry. That’s the ploy to see if I will make him something. Today I can barely get myself food. It will do no good to tell him that “I’m sick,” to him I’m always sick. He had never understood sick, he has never really been sick. I cannot remember him ever throwing up because he was sick. I do recall a time that he had a temperature high enough that I did give him some medication. His “sick” usually lasts for a few hours that he can sleep off. The sniffles is his “sickness.” I am grateful both my children are like this, they have the immune system that I had before the military. I did not know what sick was. I never threw-up because of being sick. I did not even know what a headache really was. I remember there was one time that my head hurt, but it was because my brother has taken the receiver of a phone and bashed me across the head with it. I would tell my mom that I was sick so that I did not have to go to school, but she knew better. I could eat anything, the stomach of a goat. Even on vacation to Mexico I ate from a vender off the street. My mom got sick, I didn’t even feel a gurgle. Maybe it would be easier if I had been sick, ever had the chicken pocks, or the flu, or any “childhood disease.”  In our house for medication was an old bottle of children’s aspirin, that’s it, and I think it was purchased years before I was born.

So I sit there and tell him that I have already eaten crackers, which means that’s mostly what I will eat for the rest of the day. As I hear him in the kitchen I am so thankful he does not know the pain that I am in. That he just thinks I “complain” about every little thing. At times I wish both my children would get sick, just once to understand. My daughter does know what a headache is, a headache from not drinking enough water, but not a migraine.

I move my legs because they ache when they stay in one position too long. I push the pillow behind my back lower because my back is starting to hurt from just sitting there. I lean my head back to move my neck so that it does not start to hurt. I want to get up. I want to move, but if I do, not only will I have to run back to the bathroom, but I might get dizzy again and fall. If I fall I am fair game for the puppy. Oh, four month old German Shepherd puppies are bigger than many dogs. My stomach turns because the crackers are not working as much. My intestines are mad and take it out on me in pain, off to the bathroom again for another reason.

I hate not taking a shower every day. My skin begins to itch (from the rash I contracted in Saudi and still plagues me).  I scratch and know if I do not take a shower it could spread, and if I do not keep it under control it will end up in my mouth and I hate when that happens. I have meds for that, but there is just something that is so annoying (more than normal) about a sore in the mouth that itches and when your tongue heads there, it’s just pain. So I get up make a quick detour to the toilet then into the shower for a complete scrub down. I also hate when the rash gets into my hair line, the moving hair irritates it and cause it to itch more.

I want to stay in the shower longer but I know if I try I could fall, getting a little dizzy, so I’m out. As I dry off the puppy helps with my feet. It’s not that I like it, it’s that he loves it and it’s a small thing that does bind us closer. I head back to the couch and look over the pile of things that I still need to accomplish. The bill that’s in collection because the hospital cannot seem to get VA the proper documentation for them to pay, and I’m getting the bill. I’m not about to pay it, it’s not my fault the hospital cannot coordinate with VA to get paid. There’s my claim that has been going on since 2010. I had at one point to pause it because looking over all that information again was causing serious problems (mentally). I see once again the VA has messed it up and I need to send them the same letter stating what I am claiming and what I am not claiming. They have only done this twice this time around, twice but both five months apart.

I totally believe that our records are put into a file asking the veteran information that has already been asked and answered, but it takes my claim out of “backlog” and into “waiting for information from veteran.” I snicker to myself when I see they are again referring to my 25 page statement. The one that on the top states that I am claiming and lists exactly what it is, in numbered points and then goes on to list the evidence to support them. I do this on purpose. You look at just the top and know exactly what I am claiming. But I get another letter stating they do not understand what I am claiming, again say that I am changing an already service-connected rated disability to now be something else. No, again, I am not. I know this needs to be done but that requires the computer and I haven’t been able to have a computer day to get it all taken care of. I try to do it on just one day, or I’m up at night thinking about what I still need to list.

As I write in the notebook, I forget what a certain word is. My husband isn’t around so that we can play the “what is it game,” that I do constantly. So I put in parentheses the definition of the word that I cannot remember. Just a few sentences and I am starting to not remember how to spell certain words, so then the spelling leaves, then I have to continually read over what I wrote because by the time I am at the end of the sentence I cannot remember what I was trying to say. The day writing is now over with. I look up to hear my son ask what I am burning. I go into the kitchen and see that I have put something into the microwave. What it is and when I did it I don’t know but it’s done. I do not cook (use the oven or stove) when I am the only one home because I do not remember that I am cooking until the smoke alarm goes off and I enter the kitchen to battle flames on the stove or take something burning out of the oven when the timer has been going off but I did not recognize that’s what the sound was.

I know that I am not getting better. I know that someday it will be up to my husband to which home he puts me in for my own safety. I know this and I have accepted it, but I still fight it. I still want to see my son head off to college and my daughter graduate, but I might not. I had thought that I would not make it to see them both graduate from high school, but my son is now a Senior and I am still not to the point of heading to a home.

I think of the job interview I have coming up. I know, sounds like I can barely take care of myself. What is most annoying is this is just a day. Tomorrow it would seem (other than the sleep) that there is nothing wrong with me. My medications stay down, I don’t have a headache. I can do the few hours on the computer at a time (still must be careful, too much computer and it’s a headache and then maybe a migraine). But it’s those days that I volunteer at places. Again back to the job interview. I want to work, my kids are to the age that working a little is not going to affect their upbringing, but only part-time while my son is in school. The job is helping other veterans. It’s part-time and because they want another veteran to have the job, it might be a match. They understand that I may call in and say that I cannot make it in that day, well my husband will mostly call in. He calls in when I have appointments that I cannot make. Most employers (and I understand and agree with them not hiring me) cannot hire someone who cannot say when they will be able to work. They have positions that even what they consider are “flexible” I cannot do. I have a good college degree (Ph.D.), I have a great volunteer track, I even great experience, but even with that all, I cannot even get to be hired, let alone keep the job. The last time that I officially worked was 13 years ago where I had no more leave or sick days to take and eventually had to quit. On the days that I could work, I would stay longer to give me the “extra” time on the days that I would leave early or call in. I lasted three years, two different agencies, so really it was a little over a year and all the available take off days were gone, and so was the extra time that I could accumulate.

I hope that I can keep this job. The criteria for it is a high school diploma or GED.  The HR department had to be told yes, that was the position that I was applying for, and yes I understand the pay. I have tried to have my own business, but when you cannot be on the computer some days, well you need to get orders out. And trying to promote your business when it’s pretty much an online business is difficult when you can only be on the computer for a few hours here and there. (Yep days to do this posting). Retail I can just forget. A note on the door apologizing you are not in during your normal working hours doesn’t keep customers. I have thought about teaming up with someone, but I don’t trust easy and that’s something you need to do in a partnership.

I use to be good with numbers, loved statistics, love percentages, but at times you might as well put a kindergartener there because that’s how the brain works, or doesn’t is more like it. One day I can sit and look up how an article did their research numbers and see where they are off, just by looking, they gave too much on each side for radicals. Other days if you give me two numbers that have two digits and have me add them, I need paper and a few minutes, or longer, if I can do it. I can forget how to divide by percentages, something so simple on other days. Then there are things that did not come back. I was an expert shot in the military, ribbon with two stars (three separate weapons). I do not have that depth perception any more. I cannot tell how tall a person is by just looking at them, even looking at them next to something I know the height of. Measuring is only done with tools, guessing is so off. I cannot look at a building and “see” what it would look like if it was another color, or higher. My husband has the hardest time understanding when he says, “so if we put a wall here…” There isn’t a wall there, when a wall does get build there I can see it, without it I cannot. I can pull out of my memory (when it’s working) what a tree looks like. I cannot see what a tree looks like if I have never seen that tree before, no matter how long and detailed you try to describe. I need visuals, pictures.

Oh, do not get me wrong. I am so thankful for what I still do have. I am thankful on the days that I can be me, well the now me. I am blessed for all that I do have. Blessed that I still have a positive outlook, even when the VA gives me another letter that asks the same information that was answered months ago. Blessed that I found such a great husband who does understand that I need more additional help each year.

The ends as it begins, me in the bed, lying there waiting for sleep. Will it come? Yes, when and how much is really the questions. This is a day that I stayed in, a day I did not have to deal with other people I do not know, crowds or appointments at the VA. Today I did not have the other thoughts, thoughts that someone is looking at me odd, or I did not understand that comment that was said, was it sexual, is he hitting on me, am I allowing my past to dictate my reality? That’s for another day. This day was ok, it was at home, and I am still here.

Taking the decision of prosecution out of commanders hands.

I have decided that I am on the side of taking the decision of going toward a court-martial, is cases of sexual assault, out of the hands of the commander. I have read the bill and listened to hours of testimony and this is another way the branches can show that they have no tolerance for sexual assault.

Of the testimonies against this action were commanders in the different branches. They stated that taking this action would take away the ability of the commander to set the tone for no tolerance. It also would take away the deterrent the commander has of going to court martial if the member does not accept an Article 15 (non-judicial punishment). I don’t see it that way. If there is not sufficient evidence for a court-martial then giving the member the option of Article 15 or court-martial is still there.

Say Marine A is in front of the commander and has been accused of sexual assault. If the lawyer does not see the ability of going straight to a court-martial the commander can still give the Article 15, or lesser reprimand, which with the non-judicial punishment proceedings Marine A could demand a court-martial instead. The ability to back the no tolerance is still there. What is no longer there is the ability of the commander to discreetly do away with the allegations or to give a lesser reprimand to Marine A because Marine A happens to be what they call a golden soldier.

I, unfortunately, saw way too many allegations go nowhere because it is easier to silence a victim than to deal with what is happening in the squadron. Most disturbing was many of the accused were commanders. I understand this was over 20 years ago, but I have not been out of touch with what is still occurring. I have heard hundreds of people’s stories (if not more) and there was ample evidence for prosecution, but the commander decided not to do anything, or give a slap on the wrist, even just a “don’t do that again.”

My reply to the commanders is – this is not some new epidemic, it has been going on longer than 20 years, and so far the commanders (as a whole) have not done a good job, so why would we believe them now? If true action is to be taken, then let’s take it. This actually does not interfere with the commander’s authority, but backs it. If there is ample reason for court-martial then that should already have been the commander’s decision. It is the commanders that want to not prosecute that this “interferes” with. Commanders are not lawyers, they are not (generally) educated in the legal aspects of prosecution, especially for such a heinous crime as sexual assault.

Understanding MST and what should be done, before we act we must think.

To many the news of Military Sexual Trauma is a recent development, recent epidemic, unfortunately it is not. While I was in the military, over 20 years ago, sexual assault was a problem back then too. There are hundreds of thousands of survivors of MST, both men and women.

I have been asked if the military itself is a culture for sexual assault. I do not believe so. I have met thousands of service members and veterans who served (are serving) honorably. There are problems within the military, but before anyone comes up with changing the whole system, we need to think. The military is not any other type of organization and that needs to be understood first off. Some concepts, rules and regulations that would not be considered at all in the civilian work world must continue in the military. I have not yet completely made up my mind on the suggestion that reports of sexual assault be taken out of military jurisdiction and placed under civilian authority. As being a survivor, I do understand the want to not allow commanders the ability to dismiss reports or to slap wrists for sexual assault; but I also understand the reason behind the commander having such powers of immediate punishment.

            I listened to the hours of the House Armed Services Committee hearings and can see there is a lot of lip service from the branches, but I also see that many well-intended people do not fully grasp the mission of the military with many of their suggestions.

            Before looking into the culture of the military, we should look at what has happened to our American culture. First off let me make this very clear – women and men are not the same and never will be. We can be treated equally but that is not what many so called feminist are perpetuating. Many feminist are advocating far beyond what used to be the definition of feminist. They are trying to neutralize the physical and spiritual differences between men and women. It does not matter how high you try and yell that women and men are the same, we are not, and we are not supposed to be. It is a fact that there are differences, physically, chemically and spiritually between men and women.

            Our culture has had a serious attack on the family and morality, yet it seems many do not see the connection between that and the downward spiral that this country is in. One of the first things all the branches can do is to raise the standards of entry in the service. When any of the branches does not get near its quota they lower the standards and allow substandard applicants in, this creates a substandard soldier. No person who has been convicted of sexual assault should ever be allowed into the military, as well as certain other offenses. The military is not a place for people to fix their own issues, or escape from whatever is going on in their life. The military needs to make sure the people going in are physically and mentally well. The military does not need to be seen as a “last resort” for anyone. It needs to be looked upon as a choice on the same level as a good job, and even schooling.

            The moral attack on our culture can easily be seen by looking at the television with such shows coming on as Pregnant and Dating and new terms like “baby daddy.” I know the very mention of morality and people begin to start saying that I am just a hater. Let me explain something very carefully so that is in no way taken out of context. My moral values and beliefs do not mean that I hate anyone. I can say fully that I know many homosexuals and I care for them, but their behavior is immoral, period. I have acquaintances who I stand next to on many issues, who are in relationships (man and woman) and are not married but living together, that also is immoral. I am tired of hearing that my beliefs are somehow equal to hatred of others, they are not. I can discuss many issues with facts and stats and beliefs without calling anyone else a derogatory name. This country (whether some want to remember or not) was founded on Christian values. Oh, and if anyone wants to actually discuss the issue of church and state (without name calling and make sure you know history) I have no problems. Many people do not actually look into what they have heard, they do not question what is told to them, they just accept it. I am a firm believer that the world is getting warmer; I am not at all on the side that we are the reason for it. I have seen real research, not fluffed up articles, and it is not a cause and effect. The earth actually has gone through many warm and cooling spells, long before we were here, why would that change now? I find it astonishing that many have never read one single true research paper and call others names who do not agree with the human caused green-house global warming concept. As a researcher, that is what I like to do, look at the data, not what another has interpreted the data to mean.

            Another way that the branches can stop giving just lip service that they are doing everything they can to decrease sexual assaults is to discharge (not honorably or even General under honorable conditions) anyone who has been convicted of sexual assault. For convictions I am referring to any type – if they agree to an Article 15 instead of court martial, or the commander has given a lesser punishment, they should automatically be put in for a discharge.

            And the last, yet will be the most denied as well as fought to keep – stop the mandatory and accepted drinking parties. It is not that drinking causes assaults, but we all know what alcohol does to the brain. That was pretty much the thing to do in the military, drink, especially in my career field – cops seemed to drink excessively. The military needs to understand that the still accepted way of dealing with trauma and stress, drinking, needs to change. It is a weaker person who reaches for the bottle than to ask for help. The stigma and myths of mental illness needs to be taught though out the branches. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder should not be considered a disorder. It is a normally reaction to an abnormal event.

            Again, I still have not decided that the correct route is to take the authority away from commanders. There are programs that are in place at this time, they are just in trial mode, but they seem to have potential. Unfortunately along with well-meaning people there are those who are jumping on the wagon with other agendas. I will not stand idly by and allow this; I shall call them out when I come across them. MST has nothing to do with how many women are in the military, or where they are posted. MST has nothing to do with homosexuality. MST is about power, control, humiliation, and anger; let us all remember that.https://www.createspace.com/pub/simplesitesearch.search.do?sitesearch_query=understanding+mst&sitesearch_type=STORE

Frustration continues with the VA after 20 years.

Frustration continues with the VA after 20 years.

I don’t know why it would be any different. I had high hopes that 20 years later the filing for disability claims would at least have some improvements, I was mistaken. I filed for the claims that have been previously denied because I did not know enough years ago to be able to rebuke their decisions. Today I received a letter that I found really telling. I believe the letter was to put me from the “awaiting a decision” pile into “awaiting more information from the veteran,” for the mere reason to have a lower number of “backlogged” claims for the end of the year. Why? Well when I had put in for the claims, I attached a 45 page annotated detailed list of when, where and why for all of my claims. The letter which I received was the want of more information. I have been helping others with disability claims due to Military Sexual Trauma, actively, for the past 5 years. I have gotten the veteran what they were entitled to. I know what is needed to file and win a claim, the process of the VA, the certain words that need to be put into the claim, what is needed from the doctors, all of it. So when I got this recent letter, after it has been in the claims process for about a year (it was a continuation of a file over two years ago), I just had to do some deep breathing techniques.

I wonder how many other veterans have received such letters just to allow the VA to have better numbers with their backlogs for the end of the year. This exact thing has happened a year ago, take me out of the “waiting for claims” to put me into the “waiting for the veteran” pile. The one paragraph in the letter that made me take even more breaths was “You have claimed exposure to an environmental hazard based on your service during the Gulf War. We can take no action since you did not claim a specific disability. Tell us the specific disability that resulted from your exposure so we can process your claim. Attached to this letter is a more detailed guide called “Submitting evidence for claims about GULF WAR UNDIAGNOSED ILLNESSES” to help you submit evidence in support of your claim.” This would not as be as frustrating if I had not already been given this paper (a year ago) and gone over it, again, line by line putting in all the information. I filed the exact same information from the exact same requested information from the beginning. I have had two Gulf War Registry Examinations, the first one the VA lost all the information on, except the one page that states when I had the exam done and who was the Nurse Practitioner who got the beginning vitals. Everything else in the exam is somehow lost from my records. I have had another one completed with the listed disabilities that I have because of the exposures, also submitted with previous claims. I have listed the exact symptoms and disabilities which are related to the exposures, they have been conveniently removed from this claim, thank you VA. I will be sending them in a copy of the original claims process and also the one where they sent me back the letter stating what I was claiming, which is yet another reason this is so annoying. To continually remind the VA what the claims are, even when the previous letters they sent had the disabilities listed, and now they don’t. It continually amazes me how the years change, but the inconsistencies, mind-numbing stupidness, and “lost” information from the VA does not.

For the past 20 plus years I have purposely utilized the VA for the symptoms which I know where caused from my service time. So the evidence that is still around, ok, if they haven’t purged it, is in my medical records, and the limited records that I have been given from the VA. Complete records I have continually requested and not been given, again Thank you VA.

As I get older, the disabilities are not getting better, but worse, and I have a sinking feeling that I will one day die from them. Before that time I want to make sure that all of the issues are documented and recognized by the VA, so that when I do expire from one of them (or a combination of them) my family will still be able to receive the benefits that I have fought these past 20 plus years for. It’s exhaustive to continually look through my records, continually tell the VA they have the exact information they are continually requesting, the information that I gave from the beginning.

For all of you who are in the claims process, maybe just received a letter asking for more information, information the VA has already been given, just so that their numbers look better at the end of the year. I feel for you, but do not give up. I have been fighting over 20 years, and I will continue to fight this until I receive what I am asking for. I do hope if I die while in the “claims process” my family will continue with my claim until they have the letters agreeing that the injuries were sustained in the military, were due to my service, and are service-connected.

On a lighter note, a Merry Christmas to you all, and a Happy New Year too.

What is unique about Military Sexual Trauma?

What is unique about Military Sexual Trauma?

There are unique aspects to Military Sexual Trauma which you do not have in the civilian world. I have watched the “Lauren” episodes on youtube.com/wigs. There are three of them and I would suggest you also see them. Besides the obvious errors, many veterans and active duty will pick up on, it is done very well. 

Chain of command and rank play an especially central part when it comes to reporting a sexual assault and sexual harassment. Although the two are handled by different agencies outside of the above listed, your chain of command and the ranks involved are such a huge factor toward justice being started or to be pushed under the rug. 

Many may see Lauren as a tale of fiction, but I am here to tell you, not only does what occurred in the episodes happen, it can be worse. At times it is not the choice of doing what is right and doing what you love that silences a person, sometimes it’s the threat of death on the victim, or the understanding if she says a word, the next time the squad goes out on manovers, she might not come back. That is a serious threat, spoken aloud and insinuated to many women who have been victimized.

I would have liked the episodes to end on a better note, not that it is not what happens, and I for one completely understand what does when you do what is right, but that’s what needs to be done. I understand many of the repercussions, I lived through many of them, but even though justice was not even looked upon in my cases, I did what was right, on a few occasions. I would like to say that I did what was right on all of them, but I succumbed to fear and threats. I most likely would not be writing this right now, had I did what was right every time, but my conscious also would not be harping on me for giving in.

I know many people are afraid of death, afraid of being discharged, being written up for things you did not do, being labeled with a disorder and discharged, not be able to continue in what you love, be considered a screw-up, have lies spread about you, and have to fight to have some of these things changed (just a little); but, in the instances that I did what was right, no matter the consequences, those are the incidents that I can look back on and feel firm in my decision. Those decisions cost me what I loved to do, cost me so much, but it is better to be able to state you did what was right than you did what was safe.

I know for a fact that justice will eventually prevail, maybe not in this life, but in the end justice will prevail and they will be held accountable for what they did. And I will also be held accountable for my decisions and I will be able to say that I did what was right. I did not have to ask for forgiveness, I did not have to go through the steps of repentance. It was never said that when you do what is right that all will be ok. Sometimes doing what is right is the beginning of your trails.

One aspect why Military Sexual Trauma has a higher rate of PTSD diagnoses is just what happened in the Lauren clips, the cover-up from people who are supposed to be looking out for your welfare. When a restricted report is made, the victim may NOT talk to anyone but the three listed personnel: health care/mental health counselors, Chaplin, victim advocate (VA). They cannot talk to any other persons, or those persons (if they are in the military) must come forward and report the incident. 

Although it seems as though restricted reporting is helping the person stay anonymous, the negatives are tremendous, and are an added risk for developing more severe mental health issues. It is not the fact that you can supposedly stay anonymous and still receive some help, it is that you are restricted to who you can talk to.

These are some of the uniquenesses which can occur with Military Sexual Trauma that in the civilian world it is not an issue. How would you feel if you had been assaulted and your immediate supervisor, and his boss are told what happened? That everyone you work with knows, not only you were assaulted but many of the details? That you come in with your statement, a video of the assault, all the evidence to prosecute and convict the perpetrators and you are told that you need to just suck it up, deal with it, you are now restricted to who you can talk to about this incident, you will never get justice, oh and by the way, one of the perpetrators is the person you have to work with every day, to show respect to, call him sir, salute if required, to be at his whims for your evaluations, to be subjected to his commands for what post (position, area) you will work at? How would that make you feel? He knows he raped you, he knows you know, so at ever chance when nobody else can hear he tells you how much you must have enjoyed it because nothing happened to him. He gives you sly smiles, brushes up against you, then calls you a slut and whore to his buddies. Everyone knows what happened and believes their stories of how you wanted it, you liked you, you slut.

Now try and be professional at all times, thinking only about the job, being told that you are not doing a good enough job, written up for things you did not do, but no keep those thoughts and all the rest out of your mind as you are walking point with everyone behind you, knowing at any moment you could be ambushed or run into the enemy and the bullets will be flying. Don’t think about which of the bullets will be flying toward you, the “friendly fire.” As you walk, you know full well that there will not be yellow tape put down and an investigation conducted if bullets happen to not go past you to the enemy, but to your back. And don’t think that at any moment, if the bullets start to fly, or a bomb goes off, that the people behind you, you know the guy that assaulted you and got away with it, his friends who believe that you wanted it and are just making problems because now everyone knows you’re a slut, will wait for you to get back to safety, make sure they put down suppression fire so you can get out. Don’t think that they are having you go first, knowing full well if anything happens you are the most likely to die. No, you cannot think about that, you have to think about all the other things you are there for, or you will mess up and you will come back in a bag instead of with your “comrades.” 

When thinking about veterans, or active duty that have been in for years, know that congress mandated the military into making the SARP (Sexual Assault Response Program), in 2005. The Lauren clips are what happens now, so think about what happened before. So before 2005, there was no agency that gave regulations on how to respond to an assault, it pretty much was up to the command, if that was the person who you went to. But even if you went to Law Enforcement (military) it usually when back to your commander. Your commander had the ability to say if he wanted this to go forward, or if you need to just be silent. It would amaze most civilians to know that your boss gets to decide if you were assaulted, or if it was just a “misunderstanding.” How many of you would put that into your boss’s hands?

As you have read, there are uniquenesses to Military Sexual Trauma, and it is imperative that these uniquenesses are known by the majority, not concealed by the military.

  

Positive releases of anger.

Over the years I have communicated with many who had been taught that anger was a sin or evil, that at every moment you needed to be in any other emotional state, other than anger. You could feel guilty, you could be sad, happy, content, the list goes on and on, but not angry. I was not brought up that way, so the concept of anger being bad never crossed my mind. I know there is righteous anger, but the way we release it, and it needs to be released, determines whether it is positive or negative.

It seems everyone knows the tale of the parent getting yelled at work for something they did not do and kept  in that anger until they got home and release it on the child who then releases it on the dog. The downward spiral of anger is very harmful, and it usually is not circular, it ends on the bottom, but the process can repeat over and over again. Or it can just be that one release of an angry burst toward someone who did not have anything to do with the cause.

I have been the target, many times, of displaced anger. Most times I would like to lash out and just pummel (verbally or written) them, especially when the anger was mix with an intent to inflict personal emotional injury. That has been a very difficult skill to continually exercise, but I am thankful that I have gotten much better.

So what can be a positive release of anger? I hate to even write the word but, exercise. Thankfully that is not the only positive way, or I would be seriously in trouble. You can scream, just out loud, not words, just the scream. I would caution you as to when to use this; you do not want to be in one of the next “People of Walmart” emails, or Youtube hits. There are hundreds of thousands of articles and websites which list a cornucopia (just really like to use that word at times) of ways. What is helpful for one does nothing for another. What works one time, might not the next.  Find many that work for you.

You can talk it out. This one has never worked for me. Although I see myself more on the rational side, I can talk myself into rational ways to negatively deal with anger. Some can use exercise, I swear, I am an oddity, (liked the word better than freak, plus it was the first to come up when I clicked for the synonym) when I exercise I just get even more angry and angry, that is if I begin exercising while I am angry. It seems the more negative energy that I release in that way builds more up. I can be totally exhausted and completely ticked off. I write and usually get distracted on a word in a sentence that I want to use but cannot think of it, so I look for it, then find another one, then wonder if that word would be good in another piece that I am writing, then think about the other piece, then… I get can get totally lost in writing, so much so that I must continually read what the topic is, or the past few paragraphs to remind myself what it was that I had begun to try and communicate in the first place. I also tend to get very calm doing very intricate work, like beading (I normally use size 15s in the seed beads and 1 – 1.8 in bicones and other beads), taking a toothpick and cleaning out the little spaces that can get dirt and grime into them (on the stove, the microwave, around the sink, even the push buttons on our cordless phone) take a paint brush to the edges of the trim (we are remodeling our house, as well as have added an addition).  I also like to think of new crafts, and ways to make the craft using items normally not used that way. Or I take out the propane torch and do a little “art.” But that’s me.

There are many ways to positively release anger, and having it is not bad, remember Jesus became quite angry in the temple area at the money exchangers, and he gave up his spirit sinless, so the emotion of anger is not a sin.

One final note, if you find that writing something out to release that anger helps, before sending it (if that is your thought), think about it, what will it actually accomplish, was that person even involved, or are you transferring the anger onto an innocent bystander who happened to wander into your sight at the time?