Years later and it still effects me.

I have not worked for an actual employer for about 13 years, I have volunteered for bunches of places, but there when I could be, and nothing that required my being there at any specific time. Because of my service-connected disabilities, finding an employer who had the flexibility that I needed in a job was pretty much out of the question. I am actually glad it happened. I was forced home but got to raise my children and understand the importance it is for someone to always be there for them when they are home (but that’s another entry).

So, I have my actual first day at work. It is training for situations where a client could become aggressive, how to handle yourself and make it so that the client is not injured. I was not hired for a position that would deal with clients as the training was for, but it’s mandatory for the entire organization, so I had to be there. The person who was doing the training had done it so often and just went through the motions of the beginning, which now she will not do. There was a paper to sign saying that you are physically fit and have talked to the instructor prior about any medical conditions, she went right from reading a little to telling everyone to just sign the paper. I did not. I know that I am not physically fit, did not know the extent of what this training was going to be, and not about to agree to anything that I was not fully aware of.

Thank heaven there was another woman veteran there (she also was hired for the same job that I am going to be doing). We had fun laughing at what others thought would be good techniques for someone trying to hurt them. As veterans, there was already a bit of trust for one another. It was extremely hard to actually try and do what they wanted us to do, it was awkward and totally not how either of us was trained. It came to a part where I was not comfortable with. I do not like people coming up behind me, let alone having them put me in a bear hug. I had been ok with from the side because I could see them, and it was the other veteran who was the “them” so far. The trainer came over and told me that it was my turn and I said that I was not comfortable with this. She looked at me and pretty much said that I needed to do the technique, like I was whinnying about it. So this other woman, who had been right next to us all day, took it upon herself to be the assailant. I was very specific that we needed to do this just as it was demonstrated. So I kept thinking “don’t throw her, don’t throw her,” which was the natural trained reaction to what she did. I was controlling my breathing and doing ok. I called for “help” which was also part of it (I would have never had to call, that person would have been on the ground in a second). My helper came over and began to take one of the hands off me. I took hold of the thumb (again I would not have) and slowly began to nicely put it over to the side to hold it, that’s when she tightened up. I added a little more pressure to say “that’s enough,” but she clamped down on me. It wasn’t even more than half a second and she was to the side, holding her finger saying that I broke it. The trainer looked at her like “come on, it’s not broke” and then looked at me. I said if it wasn’t broke, most likely it was fractured, but I know that I tore everything that was connected in that finger. Everyone paused and just looked. I said that I was sorry but I was very sure that I had really hurt her. I told her and the instructor they needed to do an incident report. The lady brushed it off, so did the instructor, I was very persistent, it needed to be documented. I knew it would not be until the next day where she would not be able to use it at all.

Then a few more techniques came up and I was flat – I am not doing it. I wasn’t afraid that I would be upset, or even that it would trigger some negative emotion in me. I was working with women but knew that it was not a good idea. I was right that time and someone had been hurt, I did not want to hurt anyone else, and I especially did not want to really injure someone. Not that the finger isn’t really injured, my thoughts are that she was still able to walk and breath. The trainer’s helper tried to press me to do it. Did they not get it? Nope. I said no.

So the next day I see the lady, we are now in training for CPR. Her finger is three times the size, bruises and red marks, especially in the joint area. She had not made an incident report. I told her again that she needed to do it. I had told my direct supervisor about it and followed what I needed to do. I could not believe that she had not at least done an incident report or went to the doctor.

But to me, it was hard.  I thought that the people who had hired me were a little educated about veterans and some of the issues that many of us have, especially women who were assaulted in the military. I am very open; I mean I wrote enough books to be “open” about most of what I experienced and was hired for the education and experience that I bring. But again, I was not heard when I stated that I did not feel comfortable. I did not take the instructor aside, she did not give the chance to do it privately, and I don’t go out of my way to explain when that is their job to know. Even if I had not been in the military, because of the amount of women who are sexually assaulted, it would not be a push for there to be more than one woman in there who had been. The trainer should understand that and never push anyone to do something they are very clear that they are not comfortable with. I didn’t say it softly I was very serious and straight out about it.

It wasn’t just me. The other veteran who was with me did not want to do one of the techniques, after my incident, and she was told that she should just “try.” I said no, she wasn’t going to do it, and by the way I wasn’t either. The organization just started the program that we were hired for, Veteran’s Resource Center, and just like other places, the heart felt want is there, but not the understanding many of the issues. The techniques were trained for, if used on many veterans, would get the person doing them really hurt, if not killed. The “sneaking up from behind” is not a good idea, the “put your hand on their arm,” nope, the “both of you flank the person who is holding a weapon and visually irritated,” not either. So we will be doing our own training before anyone comes to the Center to work.

My children laughed at the whole situation, 13 years off work, my first back and did not even make it a hole day without something from my past messing up the now. Nobody else in the training hurt anyone, this was the first time that there had been an incident during training for the trainer, and she has done it for years. I know that it was their mistake, but again, it can make a person feel like an outsider. Here hundreds of other employees had no problem, and I am sure that someone, at one time, probably was messing around too. I know the other lady was with her partner prior to her volunteering, and the look on the faces of the others (excluding the other veteran) was shock and disbelief that I had really hurt someone over just being held tight. I am happy they do not have the same feelings that I do when that happened, but again that has the inclination to separate me out from the “norm.”

I have computer training that needs to be completed prior to going to the Center. I am only part-time but was told that my first two weeks they know if I do 40 hours it’s ok, because it is expected with the training that all employees must go through. I have tried, but I had to pull back. I was hired with the knowledge that I would work part-time, not part-time because I want to, part-time because I cannot give the regular hours without it doing some serious damage to functionability.  That has not changed. Again I am separated out.

I had accepted the new me, and have been ok to this point, but now that I am back in the working world, working for someone, I will have to once again accept another new me – the new working (part-time) me.