I live in a different physical world. 25 November 2011

My husband always tells me how wonderful he feels when he goes outside and works the land and get all sweaty, or when he works out, period. I hear so many others say the same thing, and also going onto Anger Management websites you get bunches of ways which include working out, walking, etc. Now I do not understand myself. I am ok if i just walk, take a little stroll and just talk (yes out loud, but nobody is around). But if I actually break a sweat I go from the calm walk to being angry. It's even more intense when I actually do work out, or do something which requires my muscles to actually work...I get ticked off. My mind begins to race down a deep dark thought process of angry then evil thoughts, where I can actually have the built up anger to hurt someone. I feel terrible after, like it's "coming down" from whatever my chemical imbalance has put me through. There is not even a level of exercise, any. Walking to me is not what I consider exercise because my breathing stays the same, my heart beat does not increase. My husband tells me all the time that I am "different," and I know that to be true. I use to love to exercise, love to run around to work on stuff, all of that. I loved doing that before the military, and up until I came back from Saudi Arabia, that is when I noticed that I no longer liked to do what use to be so euphoric to me.

So I have emailed someone in the Saudi Arabia government, off one of their websites, and asked them about the chemicals which were being used out at the bomb dump which I was posted. The bomb dump was right next to a plant nursery and there was run-off into this "pool." All around the area the Saudi Arabian government posted  permanent cross bones and skull signs. The Air Force figured it was a great place to put bombs, but someone has to watch and protect them until they are used, and that was one of the postings that I did. I got dumped into that pool and it was terrible. I go so sick, coughing up blood and other such stuff, but of course when you are LE, you suck up all pain. Complaining is for wimps and that is what you are not only taught from your peers but from up the chain of command. If you are sick you still work, it doesn't matter what you are coughing up. Even if you actually do go to the clinic (which for us was a house where these two medics were), you were back out working with aspirin and a serious stern look from the others. Noe that all these problems are coming back, and the Air Force has lost most of my medical records from Saudi, well I am told that it's just me, you know...all in the head. I'll tell you, my rashes are not in my head, the GI problems are not in the head, it's not just there, it's all through my entire body. And I just wish that the Air Force would tell me what it was that I was exposed to (well at least that pool stuff), so I can have somewhere to start. After that I would like the Air Force to tell me all about the other medications that they had me taking, the malaria pills, the other pills, the shots, the insect repellant that could take paint off a vehicle, the dip that we used to keep the parasites off our MWD's, that I was also dipped into. Just tell me all of it and I will then have somewhere to start!

Sure I have been through about five homeopathic detoxifications, nothing seems to work. The VA just gives me more pills, creams, powders, and that only causes serious side-effects. This all adds on top of having PTSD from combat and MST.

But I shall continue to seek out information about all of it, I will continue to demand the Air Force to tell me what I was exposed to. I will continue to seek out ways to figure out what I was exposed to. I am not about to allow the Air Force to use me as a guinea pig and then dump me off, nope. I want answers and I will not stop until I get them.