Sunday, November 29, 2015

New place, new triggers!

Made the move, wow, what a Trigger maker.

The day finally came and I moved to the new town. I hate to move, just like most people, but it adds an additional issue to the already issued filled life. My safety and security (or really the amount of stress that I have for the myth of safety and security) is all messed up. There are new sounds, there are new smells, new sights, and even though I brought my stuff, it is still all jumbled into new areas that I am trying to get used to.

The first part was the hurry up and wait (sound familiar) which I so hated in the military. I hurried up and was ready to move, the house was a different story, so it was a wait. The wait was that most of my stuff had already been moved into a storage unit in the new town. Every time (I swear it was) that I needed just one more item for whatever I was thinking about doing was in the storage unit, hours away from where I was. My husband, bless his heart (got that term from living here and it really is not a compliment), said we would be moving in a few months (more than a few months ago) so I should pack up what I did not think that I would be using for the next 6 months. It would give time for the move and then time to find another permanent house. So in February I knew that there were certain clothes that I would not be using, they went into the boxes, certain items that I was okay to be without for that period of time, into the boxes, and so forth. Six months later and I was not only not looking for the house, I had not even moved.

Now I sit with most of what I really need all packed up and stored away in the storage unit. Although it is now just down the street, because of the thought this would have happened earlier, most of my stuff is in the back of the unit, it would take hours to get to. Hours because you would have to just set aside whatever was in front of it instead of removing it completely from the area. This has caused returning to breathing techniques, counting, side-tracking the brain, all of it; the whole backpack of tools. Also because of the new time frame, my husband did not move with me. He is still in the house we own, while I am this “temporary” housing with the dogs (he has the cats). The house that I am in is about the size of the great room and kitchen from the other house, very small for all of the stuff I have accumulated over the years. I am using the second bedroom as a closet because the closets that I left were combined about that size. I no longer have my own craft room, there no longer is a separate office, it is all packed into this little house.

Do not get me wrong, I am very blessed to be able to be in this house and be able to be with the dogs, but I miss my husband (who gets to come see me for two days every two weeks), I miss the space, but more than anything I miss the privacy and quiet. I lived out in the woods. I had neighbors but could walk out my back door and sit under the pavilion eating breakfast as the dogs ran around in the fenced (huge) yard and only hear the sounds of nature. Every once in a while a car would go down the road, but that was rare since the five houses that lived past up left early in the mornings for work every day (and the kids off to school). I did not realize that I had moved to right behind the police and fire department, in the middle of the town. Oh I knew that I would have neighbors (hence the blackout curtains that are hanging in all the rooms toward people). But I did not realize that it is (or has to be) a city ordinance for the fire and ambulances to put their sirens on when it is 3am and there is not a single person out there on the road, oh, sirens and lights. I did not realize that I still have such a response to those sounds. I also can hear the cars going down the road. Not a dead end road that I left but I have now found out the major road people like to drive on, even though it is through a housing area. It’s a cut from one main road to the other, and it totally is used.

I stay at the house for most of the time. I have made myself get out and go to peer groups and a trip to the grocery store, but my day is spend in the house, going outside a few times in the backyard to play with the dogs. They happen to like the inside as much as I do now. There is a church behind the house and a field that separates the back of the fence to the church buildings, so I really do not see anyone out there, but I know there can be. The adjustment has not been for just me. The dogs are dealing with all the new animals of this area, the new smells and they happen to love the fire trucks going off at 3am, they howl. The house came with some cats and there have been two attempts on their lives so I now go out to the back and make sure some cat is not in the dog’s area before letting the dogs out.

But I have noticed myself going back to some learned behaviors that I do not like. I check the locks more than once before going to bed. I lock the door when I am home, I lock my car when I am home (both things that I did not do where we were, did not have to do). The house sits back off the street so there is a bigger space between it and the street, but that does not give me much comfort. I guess if something were to happen, going out and yelling I would definitely be heard, whereas in the other house I could scream my head off and not a soul would hear me.

Sleep is the most elusive thing now. I try to sleep but there are just too many noises that are not nature. I know that I was moving by an military instillation but did not realize that I have a few new triggers I did not know about. Since I left the military I have not lived anywhere close to a base, and now that I am, wow, pretty surprising for me. Seeing the uniforms around town, hearing the helicopters, planes and mortar rounds, I did not even think I had issues with any of that. After I got out I did the jumping when I heard a car backfire, or when I heard fireworks, and some shots (country shots), but there was not such a flooding of military like there is here. I assumed because it has been so long since I have been out, and that I have processed much of what I went through, I would just have a little adjusting here – I was wrong, very very wrong!

I heard someone apologize that they were crying when talking about their assault, as if they should “be over it” because it had been over 30 years since it happened. I had shook my head, it does not matter how long ago these things have occurred, when you are triggered, when your mind decides to remind you of what you have been through, there really is nothing that you can do, other than go on with positive coping skills you have learned. The brain automatically just clicks and before you even have a thought your heart is racing, your beginning to shake, and you just have to work through it, but you can work through it.

Here is what most people do not understand about triggers – you do not pick them, they pick themselves. I can be fine with a lot of things that are very similar to my traumatic experiences, but then comes that little scent and it is over, my body responds, then I have to respond to the response. There is a reason they call them “automatic thoughts” because that is what they are – automatic. It is mind boggling that you can go so long and think that you have worked through it all, then one day the sound of a car backfiring and you find yourself jumping for cover. Just as I have found that I also am staying clear of men. I keep my distance, I watch them more, I am suspicious of them all. I see the uniforms, but it is not that, it is the insignias that seem to be the true trigger. Mostly, I believe, because those were not the uniforms when I was in. What I did not realize was the amount of camo military wears when off duty. They have not been in that long to have the “old” uniforms that are no longer used, but they put that camo jacket on and it just seems to be everywhere here. I was out in the country, Texas hunting country and I have seen more camo walking in Walmart than I saw the whole time in the woods. It is not the hunting camo, it is the military camo, and there is a difference.

I push myself to make sure that I am not falling back into one of those holes I used to be in, and it is difficult, much more difficult that I imagined it would be. Triggers that no longer seemed to be triggers are just that again, triggers. It is as if my body and brain are regressing back by leaps. This is not the first time I have moved, but this move brings so many firsts as well as reminders of the past that it really has done a number on my mind. I am in auto mode. I am responding automatically and then dealing with the responses.

I guess it could be somewhat like when you are sick. When you are sick and you smell something you do not like, because you are sick you smell that even more, and the reaction is times 10. Your immune system is already dealing with the virus and then all these other issues (that you normally would just shake off) attack you, as if they know you are weak and they take advantage of it. Not everything is more intense, just like being sick, the happiness and joy seem to not be part of it.

I also thought for sure, since this area is by a military instillation, that there would be more services for veterans, that also is a shocker. There are actually less services here than back in the town that was not by a military post. So I now have some work to do here. Another set of irritations when I see the grant money that was given out from TVC (Texas Veterans Commission) and contracts from the state go to organizations that list they have services in this area, then I call and am told there is nothing here. If there is nothing here, then why are they listing this area as a service area and getting money for it?

Then I see other non-profits that really want to do the help, they cannot get the funding because they lack the finesse in writing grants (and to say the truth, they are not lying about what they would like to provide, so they get whatever is left over, if anything). It is a money game, follow the money and you see that there is so much abuse in the non-profit sector. People complain about companies (for profit) that seem to be greedy because they feel the company needs to do more (which I totally disagree), but here is tax payer money, not money gained from a product, and it is being abused and nobody wants to complain about that? I read the reports that they give to the state, and then when I compare what has happened in the past, and what is being done now with millions more, it is senseless. Other non-profits are paid as third parties to make sure the money is being spent right, or the program is doing what it is supposed to do, so why are they not listed in their paid for reports? Nobody wants to ask the hard questions, okay – so you helped 300 veterans? How? What was the outcome? What was the help? Helping is not telling the veteran they cannot do anything and referring them to another agency that they know also cannot help them, just to get the numbers. Plus I personally saw the numbers being forged, just made up on the spot to get the report out. So why is the third parties not getting this? Because they are questioning the people who are doing the lying, and not the veterans. They really do not care if there is fraud, I know, I tried to blow the whistle and it went nowhere. I have found that at the time, they were asking for more funding, so me saying that there were made up reports would not look good, and my report of fraud and abuse stopped at the director, put into some file (actually I think the file box is called “confidential paper shredder”).

It is amazing how it is like pulling teeth to have the state lay out where the money went in detail, they like to bundle, it looks better that way. Following the money is also difficult when this organization got the funds and subcontracted out to this organization who subcontracted out to another (who actually did not do anything different than just ask if the people they were contacting were veterans or not, to get to place the check in the box for the tally). Millions going, and nobody really looks into if any real services are offered? I am sure that I have been tallied up with others who called wanting services, I was told they did not have anything in my area (even when that is a covered area in their grant and state contract), but that I could try this other non-profit, “veteran referred to other.” Of course this other non-profit has nothing to do with services that I am looking for.

Let me be specific. I was looking for mental health counseling. I called the non-profit that has the contract and the grant and state in their papers that they offer this counseling to veterans in this county. Well no, there is no services here, in fact I have to travel over an hour to one of their locations to figure out if they even can provide the service, an assessment. So since I am not the farthest county from their closest service, how can they say that they offer services here? I am an hour away, others are more. And it was not that I go there and then get the services, I still have to be “assessed.” There is no “assessments” listed in their contract to provide these services, they are just supposed to provide them to veterans. Oh, the “assessment” is not to see if I am a veteran or not. I am tempted to actually do the hour traveling just to see what assessment they are talking about.

Reporting the fraud and abuse got me almost institutionalized, (not ever VA!), so now I am going to be not only continuing the asking of the questions, the writing of the complaints, but I am going to be competition to these non-profits who are not providing the services they are being paid to provide. I tried this another place, but Community Healthcore was not at all interested in actually helping veterans. No, they just like the photo ops and the veterans section does not get enough income to be a concern for them, but they continue to get the funds, year after year. So in a new area, new people, and I asked questions this time, before offering anything. I had to know if this was an organization that really wanted to help veterans, or was it a front for something else. I checked two (that are in this area) off my list, they are not focused on veterans, even though they both have “veterans” in their name. As you know by now, this is a total pet peeve of mine. If you are not focused on the veteran community, DO NOT have your name utilize it, especially when that is the only target population your name states it is focused on. If you say that your organization is veterans and they are there to help other veterans and I walk in (as a veteran) and find few are actually veterans and you are targeting anyone, TAKE veterans out of your name. You are a fraud! It is the same as saying Women Helping Women, you have one or two women there, but most are men and you help everyone. Then when questioned more, your programs are lies, they look good on paper but you do not have anything to back them up, referring to another organization to take care of it is not that same thing as doing the helping yourself.

It is difficult. I name the organizations and then somehow I am the person who is wrong? My name gets smeared, I get attacked? Not this time. I am not going into this with listening to the “professionals” saying that maybe it is because of what I went through that I am not seeing the real circumstances. Oh, I see them, you (professionals) are in denial. I am educated enough, have enough experience, and am not about to push aside my gut feelings because you want to think you know better than I do. Yes, I do suffer from a mental illness, I also have issues after my TBI, but to use that against me, to not actually hear what I have to say. It is NOT paranoia if they actually are out to get you!

Off the soap box, not that I do not like to be up there, but keeping myself looking toward the positive of what I can do with this corrupt system is the better focus of my energy. Telling the non-profits that they are not fulfilling their contracts, telling the state that the non-profits that are getting these millions are not doing what they claim to be, well, it does not seem to do any good, no matter what fraud and abuse complaint form you fill out. So keeping up with just outing them, that is okay for a small amount of energy (they make it so easy), but the veteran loses. The rest to helping non-profits who really do what they say, really do focus on veterans, really do want to help. It has taken some time to find just one that is truly interested in that, and be in the area to be able to help.

Again, I get off topic so much, so back to the triggers of the new area. I am telling other veterans who have experienced MST, no, it never goes all away, but there is no reason to beat yourself up when it seems as though you are going backwards. As long as you are making choices to move forward, as long as you understand that you do have choices. There will be good days and bad ones, you are not only human, guess what – you are normal. These responses are normal to what happened, but the difference is that I have more positive coping skills than I used to, and I do understand that this is a life-long continual road. I am not the only one dealing with this, and I am not alone in this. There is outside help when, and if I need it, and asking is not being weak, in fact asking shows that I have enough strength to know when I cannot do it alone. I was not sent into war alone (while in the military), and I do not need to fight these battles alone on the outside.


For all out there suffering in silence, you do not need to continue down this path alone, there are people who do understand, who have been there, done that. There are more out there than just the keyboard (other taught) warriors, but real ones, ones that can walk side by side with you; your fellow Vetsisters, and sisters-in-arms. We are out here waiting for you, we love you and we will walk with you, reach out to one of us, we did not leave you behind, you just need to put your hand up and we will grab it. Our sisterhood runs deep, we are warriors, we are veterans!

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