Guilt.

Guilt.

I know this has been talked about before, but it is such a big part of MST, the more information someone knows the better.

At the art symposium that I recently had the opportunity to be at, that seemed to be the main thought from many of the women which I spoke with, the guilt of it all. I listened to numerous stories of horrific experiences, all of which none of them had any responsibility. One of the reasons that I do not believe that many self-help books that are designed to help with PTSD should be used for PTSD from experiencing MST is that many ask you to write what responsibility or choices you had in the trauma which are yours to own. I do not care if you ran down the street naked, if a guy (or woman) chooses to assault you, that decision is all upon them.

I understand the risk factors associated with many choices but that matters not. The ultimate choice, the person who did the choosing was the perpetrator. So let’s hit some of them, yes, being drunk diminishes your ability to do many functions, but so does sleeping, and being on certain doctor prescribed medications. Being with a bunch of military guys alone puts you at a disadvantage, but so does being shorter, so does going to your room alone, so does going to the bathroom out in a combat zone.

Why do we as survivors continue to find guilt in what happened? I can make the most stupidest choice, but that does not make it a “green light” to be assaulted or harassed. I personally do not write about male MST from the first person, because I am not a man. I do not know what it is like to be assaulted or sexually harassed as a man. But there are many responses which cross between men and women for MST experiences – guilt. The guilt goes across genders. Although the reasons behind the guilt can be different. Many of my male MST survivors have told me the biggest reason they said nothing and felt guilt is because they are men, they are supposed to “be strong,” to be the protector, not the weak link. But it is not weak to be an MST survivor. There is nobody in this entire world who can protect themselves from everything all the time. It is difficult for many people to come to the realization that they themselves are vulnerable, that picking through circumstances of the assaults to find what they “should” not do, or do to make sure they are never a victim is useless. Just as anything in life there are risk factors, there is a risk factor for driving but if you got blindsided while driving does anyone ever ask “what were you doing driving?” To actually live in this world is a risk.

It pains me to hear other women veterans who have not been assaulted or repeatedly sexually harassed to list any reason that they were not assaulted or harassed. The thought that any person thinks they can list why they were not a victim, I am here to reveal something, it was because someone did not choose to do that to you, that is the only reason. I have heard from “I did my job” to “I let them all know how it was” and other such statements that live in denial, it not only does not help, it is a lie, not purposeful, but still a lie. I will open my experiences up to help you with this, I did my job, and I actually did my job better than my male peers (they knew it, I knew it, command knew it, and every once in awhile someone from outside my squadron would remind them of it). Since doing my job well made me a target, does that mean that you were a slacker to not be a target? Doesn’t feel good does it, to be called out on something that is not true. Let us move on, after my rape, I pretty much told everyone if they even thought about assaulting me that I would say nothing, I would get my weapon for the night find them and kill them. It was not a baseless threat, I meant every word of it. Did that keep me safe, no. Did it mean that other tactics had to be used, yes. The only reason that my fellow K-9 handlers made it out of Saudi Arabia alive, had nothing to do with them. It was the fact that I thought I had seen one of them, I automatically (totally without thought) went for my weapon, thank heaven I had not been given it back yet because it was not him, I just thought it had been. I knew if I was given a weapon when I did see him I would kill him and I did not want someone (like this guy who looked like him) someone who was innocent to be hurt because of what others had done. That was the only reason, it was not that I thought that killing him was wrong, morally I knew that it was and I was completely willing to live with that for the rest of my life. I could not live with someone else being hurt (as in another guy, not any emotional pain of family member of the perp, I am sorry but their pain I did not care about), but someone who was just there or happened to look like any of them. I said I could not carry a weapon around them anymore, lucky them.

I also want to squash the “I did not allow myself to get too drunk to not take care of myself” – I have never had a drop of alcohol, did not help protect me. How about the I did not sleep around? I was a virgin when I was raped. I had someone who critiqued one of my memoir books state that because I did not go out drinking with the guys I purposely ostracized myself, pretty much telling them I was not one of them. Oh, yea, right, (sarcasm)but I did go out with them at times, some did not know that I did not drink until they ordered me what I loved, a pina’ colada, and I asked if it was virgin (without alcohol). But had I drunk with them, someone would have come along and said that I should not have drunk with them, making myself vulnerable.

That is the thing, that is what many do not understand, all the “should have” and “should not haves” mean nothing, it did not matter, so had I slept around then I was a slut and “deserved it?” Had I drunk with the guys “I should have known what would happen.” Had I this, had I that, had I not this, had I not that…No matter what this or that is, someone would try and used it to rationalize that what happened had something to do with my choices, it DID NOT! The choice was the perps and theirs alone, so the guilt is the perps and theirs alone.

Still questioning at what level I will be as advocate.

Still thinking about it.

I know you are all on the edge of your seats to hear how it went at the Military Experience& the Arts Symposium. Okay, maybe not at the edge of your seat. This was huge for me. I did not know how it would go, how I would respond and if I would be able to do all the days. I did.

It was totally worth it that I got to help others again, to really make a difference in someone else’s life, make a positive difference. Not for some deep wanting need to feel as though I am worth something (which is a reason many MST survivors volunteer instead of getting the help they need first), but to put positive out into the world from the negative that was done to me and others.

It was not even close to what I used to be able to do. I did not get any sleep at the hotel, I had my schedule all messed up, so my meds were all wonky, and then at the last moment I had to change the lecture to a question and answer presentation. The off schedule of sleep and meds made my nerves shake, not out of fear but like a caffeine overdose, and then I started, it just hit me. It was as if I had never been in front of people talking before. I was nervous beyond belief.

My brain was lost, the “if it can happen” did. I was told that I could walk the floor, keep at least my body moving, but the mic did the ear bleeding ring a few times and I had to ditch it. The pressure from storms in the area were making my ability to stand, and even walk without help difficult. I wanted to just say that I was sorry and walk away. I knew it wasn’t going to be even close to what I have done before, and I did not want to disappoint the people who were sitting there and the people who had given me this opportunity (I did not tell anyone, except on this blogg, but I knew they did not know what had happened, that I had dump all the advocacy, dump the writing, dump most of life).

Why not tell them? I did not want that to influence the lecture, to have them look at me with the “we did not know, we’re so sorry” look. I was there as a professional and even if I never stepped out in the public again like that, for me I had to go through it. When I changed it to the question and answer format I still did not want them to know why. I did not want anyone to be afraid of asking a question, afraid of commenting, afraid of disclosing what happened to them. I knew they would all have on their minds wanting to make sure that I was not triggered, softer on me, but again, that was not what I was there for. I understand that people have the best intentions in mind, but walking around me like I am some fragile thing that at any moment if they say something wrong I will be devastated. It is another downside of having been through trauma, treated with baby gloves thinking that is what I need.

It was hard and there were times that I could continue, but I held it together and finished. Of course I was the introduction to someone who was a professional at speaking, and even his comment off what I had said, I had to take like a professional and not personal. I had no idea that I would revert back as if I had not done that before, back to the nervousness of speaking in front of people, nervousness that I would forget everything that I knew, or say something that was wrong, or, you know, the “what if’s” forward. Even my vocabulary went to the basics, and at a point I was responding defensively, but caught myself. The whole time I censored my answers, took the feeling out of what I was saying, made it clinical.

I could beat myself up for not giving a good professional presentation about MST, for not going through with the exact format that had been put on the program. But what would that accomplish? I could rationalize that it would had been better if I started out letting the audience know what had happened to me, that I had pretty much dumped life for the past two years because of Community Healthcore and what Lori had perpetrated on me. All would understand and most would be sympathy, but I cannot use my past to make others treat me differently. It would give me a crutch to not move forward, something to use to not progress pass a certain point and say that because of what Lori did I would never be able to get through it, to integrate it and just accept that it had effected my life, immensely. Another new normal.

But I pushed through it, I know that it was not my best work, and I am okay with that. I know I am pretty much starting all over with the speaking, and I am okay with that. I know I am going to be nervous for a long time getting back to where I had been, and I am okay with that. I know that I am not going to go back to exactly what I did before, I have reconfigured my professional business card, to say, for speaking with others about MST.

I also noticed my interaction with other veterans was different, my stories were censored and I talked a lot more than I usually do. I think it was an unconscious attempt to put myself back into the veteran community, like nobody knew who I was and what I had been through, and a tendency to tell others, through my experiences, that I was qualified to talk about what I did, and that I was qualified to be in conversations. Just like when I first left the military, I had to “prove” that I was more than what they were thinking my military experiences were. The “proving” I should be in the military, law enforcement, K-9 handler, in that mindset that I had been there and done that and do not dismiss me because I am a woman. Although women were not supposed to be in combat, the minor few of us (back then) who’s jobs put us in places that other jobs would not, and were, it was a “hey.” Just like when all the news about women being attached to combat units for the “first” time. I understand it, but I wanted all to know that me, and before me, women have been in combat, and not just as nurses, but as combatants. Just because policy changes does not mean that it never happened before policy changed. There are many time when women are doing or being long before media headlines state “first woman…” There are the “first women” but for many things that seem to be firsts, but they really are not. Maybe first in this country, maybe first in this decade, but for women in combat, side by side with the men, well I will just point to Joan of Arc, very well documented, very in combat, and still not the first.

There were a few questions that were raised while I was there, and I wanted to respond to them, as I did most of them there.

Q. Is there more men who have experienced MST?

A. Yes, the number of men who have experienced MST is much higher than the number of women, but there are two things to understand. There have been much much more men in the military than women, and there is a higher percentage of women who experience MST. Pretty much the only reason there are more men who have experienced MST is that there have been and are more men in the military. Even though, either men or women, both is wrong, both have a higher rate of PTSD than other military traumas, even than other civilian sexual assaults.

Q. Isn’t MST a worse trauma than combat traumas?

A. Traumas do have some level of severity over others. No two traumas are the same, and rating them just lessens all traumas. Yes, MST survivors have a higher percentage of PTSD than combat survivors (militarily speaking), but understand there is a wide range of possibilities for experiences in both. I used my own perspective, the betrayal of the experience (for me) was what hurt the most. I have no ownership in the assaults, but I do have some ownership and responsibility in the combat. It is different for every person, but one is not more traumatic than the other because it is just not an experience in a bubble, it is an experience to a person who has a life-time of experiences behind them, unimaginable variables.

I made a statement that not all sexual harassment is traumatic, and someone asked Q. who says.

A. I said “I did, not to be rude but I had really never thought anyone thought this way. I realized that again, the definition of sexual harassment for me (clinical) and for the person (emotional and traumatic) was where communication was off. No, not all sexual harassment is traumatic, traumatic is not hurt feeling, feeling humiliated, embarrassed, traumatic is trauma and even though it does take a little out of how a person felt about it, there is more to it. Clinically if a person reacts to normal life experiences (bad ones) as if they are traumatic, it is their own character flaw. A coworker comes up and makes an off comment about sex, that is sexual harassment, but it is not traumatic. The experience on its own does not go in the line of traumatic.

During the question and answer period a guy felt the need to help explain the difference between restricted and unrestricted reporting. I think both of us were not understanding the other. But as I said then, I do not agree with restricted reporting saying I can only speak to 4 people who already have been chosen, that is called silencing by policy. I either allow all to know or I do not get to tell my closest confidants? That should not be a choice. The other problem with it is that not everyone deploys with all those 4 positions.

Trust is truly an issue with most MST survivors. And I was asked (not during the presentation but alone) how do you tell who to trust and who not to. This is where the past has given me experiences (I wish I never went through) that answer this. What Lori purposely did to me was horrid, but I had a feeling about her, one of those gut feelings. As stated in previous posts, I listened to “professionals” instead of myself. It is hard to tell who you can trust and who you cannot. Think of it this way, how many people get married and think nothing will ever separate them and they tell each other everything, then they divorce and use that every information to drive a knife deep into the other. There is really no way to know, so I do the bit by bit. I give small information and see how that is taken, and so forth. I now and not going to listen to any professional when I have that gut feeling that there is something off, I do not care what is off, I am not about to dismiss my own feelings. Does this mean at times I am wrong, yep, but I would better be wrong and not trust than to trust and go through what I did. There is a bit of faith, but I do still not tell all. I have never and I will never, there is no need for any other person on this earth to know all of what I have been through, all my thoughts, not even my husband. I trust one thing, I trust one way and I trust one person, I trust God (through Jesus Christ) to know everything, to hear everything and I can tell everything to. I trust that no matter what I do, no matter what happens to me, I will always be loved in the very same way by Him. Humans, sorry but after what I have been through, you have to prove you are trustworthy, no matter what. There are people who I trust with tons, others I trust with knowing my name.

I still have not decided if I am going to go back to speaking, but even if I do it will not be the same. I cannot go back to the lecture format, I would rather do the question and answer, but I will start with a little more information than I did this past time.

Weight gain on meds.

Downside to antidepressants. Of course there are many downsides, side effects to taking any medications, but this has a viscious cycle all its own. Many antidepressants cause weight gain, they do not necessarily give energy, so you do not get any more energy but you do have the tendency to add pounds. Along with that many MST survivors wrongly attribute what they looked like to their being assaulted. I did this. While I was in the military I swear not a day went by when someone did not comment (not appropriate or appreciated) on some aspect of my body. I was the one who could eat whatever I wanted and it seemed to dissipate into the air. Mostly genetic, I was always doing something, and as Law Enforcement, especially K-9 handler, I was "working" most of the time. My duty was not sitting in a car and occassionally writing a ticket, or at some gate exercising just my arm to allow vehicles onto the base. No, I had K-9 duties, walks in the housing area, walks on the flightline, walks through dorms, and we all had to keep track of the time that we trained with our MWDs. In Panama I was out in the jungle, walking (at times running) to or away from something.
The weight gain happened slowly, but I could see it coming on. I can actually feel the medication slowing me down. When I miss a dose I start to "rev up" and usually my husband will ask if I have taken my meds. My speech increases to Olympic-speed. I miss the energy, and trying to take other meds to counter the down that I get only makes things worse for other issues.
I didn't notice that I unconsciously liked the weight gain. I found that  my figure was not being mentioned, I was not being looked at by guys here and there, and I had the feeling that I was not attractive to others, but inside I appreciated this. I had associated my figure with all the negative responses I endured. But then there is the feeling of "I let myself go", that I no longer can fit into the same clothes that I used to, and the mass media push to be the thinnest possible.
I was not on the fence about the weight, just depended on the day, if the depression was on the high end it bothered me, if not I did not think twice about it. I heard that there are questions you are never supposed to ask as woman - how old she is and what does she weigh. If I can remember my age, which at times my husband must remind me I am not that age, I am older or younger than what I have said. This is not that I want to be older or younger, I actually do forget how old I am. I can remember when I was born (the year) so instead of automatically saying what it is I do at times try and add to be close (side effect of head injuries from the military). But I really do not know how much that I weigh. I don't go by numbers, they are arbitrary, a number that looks a little heavy on one person does not on another, even if their height is the same. I have small bones, so any amount can be seen. But like I said I do not go by numbers. I go by what clothes I can fit into and which ones are a little too tight.
I could cut off all the meds and my body would return to what it was (did it once, not a smart thing), but I would rather be functionable and this weight (whatever that is) than to fit into my high school jeans and not function. It is a trade off. Many other survivors have commented on wanting to ditch the meds because of the weight, and I understand that want, but what is better?
So it is a cycle, you gain a little weight on antidepressants, you are not happy about it and the depression is fed, so you up the dose and gain a little more weight. At the same time the antidepressants are not uppers, they do not supply you with energy, just help the dark feelings stay controllable, so you do not have some extra, or even the regular energy to do what you used to be able to do.
As a woman,  I know the pressure of the weight dilemma, as you get older it is easier for the weight to stay on (especially after having children) but the meds add so much more.
There was a time that I went to the nutritionist at the VA, I wanted to know what I could do for the side-effect of weight gain. So the overweight chain-smoking VA nutritionist pulled off the computer the new "plate" for what to eat. That was the end of asking the VA for help. So I have had to make it something that I put on a list, something that I am working on, everyday. I am not on a diet (take off the t and that's what I feel about that). But I have changed my eating habits, it is a life habit change, not some grapefruit mush to choke down for 10 days.
It is another added issue to having PTSD, what the meds do. There are other types of medications that others take for PTSD (not everything works for everyone) which cause other side effects that also add other issues to what you are already dealing with.
What I would like is a discussion of what to do, not a pharmacist to talk about the side effects, but actual help in how to incorporate the medications into my life with the least amount of side effects. It's not a replacement for what the pharmacist does, but should be in addition to.
There are nutritionist , VA ones which would be so helpful to me, and be able to do what it is I asked for, but as everyone can tell you, not all VA facilities are the same, even when they offer the same program, it depends a lot on the person who runs that program, and unfortunately I am stuck with this one for the time being.
It is not about adding some exercise program to my day either, it would have been nice prior to being prescribed the medications for someone to have sat down with me and gone over the side effects, especially the weight one because that seems to be one many many have. Someone who can see the other medications and talk about the interactions they could have, someone who could see that PTSD is not my only service-connected disability, to talk to me about me, not in some general aspect, but me with all that I have coming to the table.
So others that have the same side effect, you are not alone. It is not you, you are not lazy, you did not "let yourself go" it is just another side effect of dealing with issues many people do not understand.

I get asked a lot why are all the numbers all over the board about MST. The VA says - 1 in 4, the military's - less than 7%, other sites - 20%, why are all the numbers so off? One of the mistakes many people do when looking at the stats is not looking at where the numbers come from. The VA's come from veteran users of the VA system that when asked the question about MST, their answer was yes. Does that mean that everyone who says "no" did not experience MST? No, not at all. It depends on who is asking the question, when it is asked and if the veteran wants to disclose.
As I have read on the VA sites this question is asked once, well I am sure that I am not the only one who has been asked the question more than once. In fact I get asked the question - during annual exams, upon meeting a new provider, periodically during appointments, and so forth. It does not matter that I have been in the VA system almost 25 years, and from the very beginning it was listed in my records that I was sexually assaulted. Not all veterans know they can receive treatment which related to their MST experience(s), even if they are not otherwise eligible for care at the VA. And not all veterans are eligible for care at the VA.

So the VA's stats (most) come from disclosure of the veteran who is using the VA system.

Other sites utilize a limited understanding of MST, thinking that it only involves rape. Plus their stats are even less viable since most do not have the ability to know who is and who is not a veteran. Many of their numbers are derived from within and out of the military, and only for sexual assaults.

The militaries numbers are from the sexual assaults which are reported, under both their reporting choices - restricted and unrestricted.

One part of MST experiences which is overlooked is sexual harassment. And unfortunately many sexual assaults are reported under sexual harassment. In the military there is two distinctive agencies which separate what is considered a crime, and what is sexual harassment. One to law enforcement, the other to EEOC (formerly called Social Actions). There have been many reports of sexual harassment that once heard should have been directed to law enforcement because it was a crime, but they were just taken as sexual harassment complaints, and even if founded, were never taken to law enforcement.

MST is the experience of sexual assaults and sexual harassment (that is repetitive and threatening in character). There lies the problem, numbers coming from single sources, for a complexities of experience from different agencies. I have yet to see anyone talk about the numbers of sexual harassment complaints when discussing the stats for MST survivors.

Still Trying to Hold It All Together

Still Trying to Hold It All Together

This one is a hard one to write, and you will understand after you finish. As I put in my last post, I had to stop for a while, how long that was I did not know. I am not totally back, I do not know if I will be. I have had to stop all my help to MST survivors, leave my position as Service Officer of American Legion Post, stop in the final draft of another book about MST, go back to the VA and talk them out of hospitalizing me and just give me the medications that I asked for (had help talking the VA out of it only because my husband happens to have the education and experience to assess people for suicide), go up on one med and add another, return to therapy at the VA, not able to go to my husband’s work (to say hi), stop volunteering for anything related to helping others, start two home businesses that deal with just food to keep my mind busy. All this, all I had to do to just keep myself out of being hospitalized (yes a mental hospital), and the irony, this was caused by a previous coworker, her supervisor and the mental health organization that I recently tried to work for.

            I thought that after all of these years, all the self-therapy, professional therapy, medications and such that I would not ever have to deal with what I did. I know that hind-sight is 20/20, but I did not see this one coming and that made it so much worse. As I had posted before, I went back to work, or tried after I had stayed home with my kids, that and I could not actually get a job with my disabilities. From the military, the injuries that I incurred (many done to me on purpose) I haven’t been able to even think about applying for a job for over 13 years. I eventually understood that it was best for myself and my children that I did stay at home with them (it really makes a difference for them), but I have always tried to have my own business. I have dipped in and out of them over the years, along with continuing my formal education (and making sure that I was very involved with my children’s). As most of you all know I have written a few books (5) and even though I have wanted to be a writer from when I was very little, I wanted to be a fiction writer, so of course my last, ok all my books have been non-fiction (one of the many things that I cannot do anymore thanks to a few head injuries – yes, military again).

            So with my disabilities the ability of finding a job, any job seemed like it would never occur. I was thrilled when a position came open where I could help veterans, in person. I actually applied for it because the process of volunteering was actually taking longer and I would pretty much be doing the same thing. So I got the job, even talked my husband into coming with me (taking a pay cut) but it would be ‘great.’ I mean what could possibly happen? That is a statement that I need never to say, well I actually did not, I knew better, and I was right. So I get hired for my education and experience. I get to help start a veteran’s center, a place that is a one-stop, so that veterans (one day) would be able to walk in and get the help that they needed, talk to someone who really understands (because they are a veteran, been there and done that, got two t-shirts). I was very specific about what I had to have to work, accommodations for my disabilities. I had to have a flexible schedule. I get migraines and when they come on work is impossible. I also currently (and have for years) suffer from PTSD, both for sexual and combat traumas.

            So I get hired, and since both my husband and I are in the same area we cannot have the same supervisor, so I get put under someone for paperwork purposes only. Well this person did not know what she was doing as a supervisor (not that she knew what she was doing in her job either) but even her supervisor did not do what needed to be done. The first problem was that this organization is anything but organized. As I posted when I first got there, the organization did not seem to understand veterans and the issues that many of them suffer from.

            Anyway, I get hired, and I start to do…nothing. Yep, first month actually not a thing (training on computer) but no actual work. The next month my husband came on and I moved from one grant to under a contract. This contract is given to mental health organizations to help veterans. I thought, great something to do. The other grant started to really get going (my husband is great at that), and I thought that I would too. I mean the person that I was now working with, my supervisor (remember paperwork for only) but she had been in the same position for 2 years. Then I found out. This person should never have been hired for this position. She did not have the experience or the education to do it. Sure the qualification was only a high school diploma (the organization should have at least put bachelors) but there was not a requirement for that from the granting contractor – Texas Department of State Health Services.

            So let’s call her “L” (not that I do not want to mention her real name, it’s just that right now that I have an EEOC complaint in, I want them to investigate without her saying anything). L did not want anyone to work with her. You ask why? Well because she did not really do anything. She was given thousands to help veterans and the money was squandered for friends of her supervisor (who were vets) but for steaks (BBQ), gas money, and totally outrageously priced promotional products (they saw her coming and took her for a ride). I actually knew her for over a year. I had met her and asked if there was anything that I could volunteer with, and there did not seem to be. I was even trained, on the contracts bill (which means tax payers money) so that I could help other veterans, peer-to-peer, but nothing, never called.

            Fast forward to where she is with someone who takes her work very serious, that makes sure every dollar is spent in the proper way and to maximize it to the fullest, helping as many veterans that I could; that would be me. Her first comments were to complain about her supervisor that he had been using the contact money as his only personal bank account (really?).I am waiting, asking, waiting, asking, for anything to do, and am told ‘nothing.’ So I go to her supervisor where I am told that I have to be patient with her. Patient? She has had this job for over 2 years and I have to be patient? Finally after I continually asked and asked and asked (and just helped out with the other grants) I said that I could not work like that. I could not work with someone who did nothing. So the contract was to be divided. (This should have tipped me off). Her supervisor said that I should look over what I wanted to do and tell him, she would do the rest. So he tells her the same thing. She comes up to my desk and asks what I am up to (I was asked to put together a program for a grant, and did it in two days off the cuff), so I said that I had been asked to put in for a grant (to write up the program). She asked if I needed any help and I said that I did not. I did not because I was already done and just emailing the final draft over. Not that I would had needed her anyway (she knew just enough to make her dangerous). So I get this look, the look that things are now different.

            The next day we are to go over the contract and each get our separate duties. She comes over to my desk and asks if I am going to be there for a while, a veteran was coming over and wanted to talk about ‘benefits.’ Now in the office, there was (and still isn’t) anyone who knew veteran benefits like I did. I prided myself on helping veterans and you cannot help what you do not know. So I stay. I hear that the veteran is there and he gets escorted to a private room so that we can talk. L comes by the desk on the way to the other room and with a by-the-way tone states that he is in crisis. Crisis? What the heck? As I walk to the other room I grab my husband and pull him aside and tell him that I had just been told this veteran is in crisis. I cannot help veterans that are in crisis, I have my own issues and it brings out too much emotional pain. L knows this, L also knows that I suffer from combat related PTSD (and she assumes because this young veteran is in crisis, it must be from PTSD). She had set me up, set me up because she does not want others to find out that she is totally incompetent, that she needs to be fired!

            I have a choice to make. I know going into the room and talking with this veteran will trigger me at the least, retraumatize me, most likely; but I also know that if I do not go in and talk with him (because he was sent over to us for help, sent over to the office because L told the person on the phone to send him to us, not to the ER, not to the mental health section to get assessed, but to the office where the only combat veteran was me) this veteran would leave and take his life. I disassociate all my feelings and go in. I helped him out (he was at the end and would have ended his life had I not spoken with him). I told him that I understood, and I did, I understood because I had been at the same point that he was and I had tried to end it but not educated with medications (at the time) and I did not take what would have killed me, not that I did not try, just not educated to know. Later that night I lost it, the disassociation crumbled and the thoughts came back, then the nightmares came back, then the irritability and more and more. I knew it would happen, but I could not allow a veteran to kill himself when I had the ability to help, even if that meant I would pay for it dearly (as I still am). But he is alive, he is fine, he knows that people do care.

            During the conversation, she continually would say things like ‘oh that’s in the past’ and other comments that actually escalated the situation. I had to make up stuff for her to check on to get her out of the room. Had that veteran just talked with her, he would have left and ended it. I know that. Had someone talked liked that to me under the same circumstances, I would have ended it. Thankfully my husband helped out a lot, as well as the other two veterans in the office to get services and such in place for him. But what had him open up was the understanding that I had, the understanding that I had been there, that I did know what he was going through.

            I told what she did to her supervisor, and his supervisor (well who I thought was), but it did not seem like anyone was listening. She had done this on purpose. Then again, I was influenced by others; she just was trying to help and did not know what she was doing. Deep inside me I knew it was wrong, but I thought, why would someone do this to me? Why would someone who knew my past (she had been given my books, by me) put me in that situation on purpose? All that I wanted to do was to help.

            The next month and I found out more. L lied regularly to veterans telling them that she would help when she had no idea what she was talking about. She lied to organizations stating that she would do certain things and she did not. She would get veterans who wanted to do groups, wanted to volunteer and would not take their information, let alone start a group (oh, by the way, that was part of her job). She would turn on a person if she thought that they were somehow doing “her” work, even though she did not. So the Stand Down (for homeless veterans) comes and we are but two weeks away and she does not have the food settled, her job. L does not have any veteran organizations coming, she said that they did not tell her; actually she did not contact them. L decides to ask the VA if they can just change the date. Yep, she does not have a clue about the VA, not that that isn’t also a part of her job. So my husband steps in and makes sure that the Stand Down actually goes off and that veterans are served. After that three organizations do not want anything to do with a program if she is involved.

            You would think by this time the organization would fire her, right? Oh, no, not then. So she tells me that in her previous job she was introduced as a grief counselor to soldiers that had a suicide in their unit, of course she would tell them she was not…nope! She said that she already had a relationship with the unit and wanted to help. Wanted to help? She has NO experience or education to really help…nope. Just as when two veterans (that she admitted to) called and were suicidal and she talked with them. No she did not give them the 1-800 number, no there was no follow up. Are the veterans dead? I don’t know, but from her comments while in with the other suicidal veteran, they probably are.

            I continue on. I am given the women veterans and I ask her for all the women veterans that she has contact information on. You know, her job, finding veterans. She states that she knows 1 (that happens to be the other woman veteran in the office). She really does not have one? Almost three years in the same position, 18 counties in East Texas (that’s what the contract covers) and she knows not one?! So I am just done with even thinking she has anything to offer. I go along and start to gather names. Both of us are tasked with having groups started in January, February at the latest. I am going along great then I am told that her supervisor (the person who divided the contract) is planning an ambush meeting. He is going to ambush me after the weekly meeting to talk about what I can do to work with her again. I say nothing, I wait to see if he actually is going to ambush me, I wait for an email, it does not come. I am not about to continue with this. I resign. I told him, as I had told everyone that I could not work with her, I did not trust her, I would not allow my name anywhere near hers (it was poison to veterans, veteran organizations and other community organizations).

            I resign, stating hostile work environment and don’t put an ending date. I worked part-time. I did not know how long it would take to make sure the work I had done went to someone who could be trusted to continue with it. So the next day I am working from home, emailing and going on when I cannot log into the website. I call my husband who tries it out and says to call HR because they might have a different way since I am leaving. I call and am told over the phone that I no longer work there. I am locked out of the computer. All the work that I was doing, all the emails that I had out, all the women veterans and others that I had been working with, all of it locked. The organization did not care that I was in the middle of anything. They did not care that veterans would not be called back who had been interested in groups (groups because they were not doing well after the military). A mental health organization did not care that people whose mental health was at risk were not going to get the help, just nothing, no call, no email, their emails would go unanswered because all of mine were locked out. I had some of their client confidential information, confidential office papers, lots and no one asked for it. There is a procedure that you do an exit interview as well as going over other stuff when you leave, nothing was done with me.

            Because my husband still worked there I was trying to be professional. I was not doing well but I was still trying to help. After a month I get a call from HR asking about my complaint and go in. I tell her what happened. Ok, now this is the scary part. I have the qualifications, education, skill and experience to make this statement and that it should be taken very serious. I stated that in my personal and professional opinion that L would be the end cause of a veteran to commit suicide if left in her position. I did not make, and I do not make the statement lightly. I thought that it would be taken as I had given it, but it was brushed off. I was brushed off. Here I had been retraumatized, the mental health organization knew it, yet was I asked if I needed any help? Was I even called? Emailed? No!

            What did happen was that after I told HR all that happened my husband (when he got home from taking our daughter to college, his first day back) got an email from his supervisor (yes the same supervisor of L’s, the same that I told, the same that knew all that happened) that he needed to have a conversation with my husband as to how I could continue to talk yet not have it effect the center or the organization! A threat? I no longer worked there, I could say anything that I wanted to, but to call my husband in and tell him that they need to discuss how I can continue to ‘express’ myself and it not look bad on them?! I could not believe it. Then I read the email that he had been sent. Attached to it was copies of my blog, this blog, highlighting areas insinuating that I am just a critical person and that I should not be talking bad about the organization, program or their employees. Then another email that this guy (his supervisor) sent out to an outside agency saying that I had personal conflicts with L, and insinuated that I was the problem, that I was spreading rumors that the American Legion Post that I was affiliated with was going to try and take the contract they had, and that they (L and the supervisor) were dealing with it, and that I had said this and that to certain people (who I had not) The whole thing was just a bunch of stuff tossed together mixing times, people and incidents to make it seem like I was just a critical person. Then an email forwarded by L. This email was a personal one that I had sent from my personal email address to an organization before I went to work at the center. The email had personal medical information about the limitations of my disabilities. L had gotten it from someone who did not have the authority to give it out. This was it, this was the straw, this put me over the edge. I was just hanging on and then this, just at it had been in the military, lies and people trying to make up stuff that did not happen to make it seem like I was a problem.

            Yes, I have an EEOC complaint in. I have also told the contract holder what happened. I am also going to put in a fraud complaint in. It has taken a while for me to get to the point that I could even write the emails, make the complaints. Actually make a sentence that made sense (not that I do, but at least I am told that many understand what I am trying to write). How ironic, the organization starting a trauma-informed care program (all the while traumatizing an employee then tossing her to the side). Oh, it hurts, and I am still trying to get things in order.

            As many know, trying to get into see anyone quickly at the VA is pretty impossible. So when it all fell I called and the first opening to talk about adding to the meds (and upping the ones I was taking) was a month after the call, and two months to talk with the social worker. So it has been rough. I thank all who have asked and been concerned for me. I am sorry that I could not formulate even a coherent sentence to explain what I was going through (what I am going through). I still cannot continue with the final draft of the book. I haven’t been able to help the people that I have wanted to. I have been in my own mental world trying to keep myself out of the hospital (no thanks to the VA) and I do not know when, or if I will be able to return to the advocacy that I was doing for veterans. The supervisor (L’s supervisor) was a Marine, and a Marine was the first person attacked me on the night I went into the military. A Marine was who took so much from me years ago, and it just hit so many triggers this time. I haven’t had these thoughts in over 20 years and I thought that I had worked through them, but it’s not just a retraumatize it’s actual another trauma that has now been added. All I wanted to do was to help and all I ended up getting was abused. For trust issues? Really what is trust, other than something you give no one! No one!

            I know this seems to just continue on without much focus, but that pretty much is what it is like for me right now. Hoping that I can make it through a trip to the store without bursting into tears, or fleeing because I ‘see’ things. Ok, before the VA gets any more information to actually put me in a hospital, another trauma the VA caused years ago. I will end this.

            (If there are misspelled words or sentences that do not make sense, well I did not go back through this, I just wrote, I cannot go back through it, not yet, not today.

Just A Note To Say I Must Pause For Awhile.

Just A Note To Say I Must Pause For Awhile.

I am not doing well at this time. I have a VA appointment to up or add to my meds tomorrow and another VA appointment, for therapy, in February (the first opening that was available). I stopped with my edit of my resent book, my nightmares have increased and become more intense, I have headaches every day, I can barely think and cry when I think about it all.

I did not see it coming. I know hindsight I could look and pick out what I now see as something different, but I know where that gets you – self-blame. A supervisor (at the recent position I had) decided that I was a threat to her job, so she used what she personally knew about me (that I suffer from PTSD, and that a part of my trauma(s) are from combat) and used that to cut me to the core. To cause the most harm she could possibly think, retraumatize me and play the game that she was trying to help another veteran. I, of course did tell her supervisor, what I did not know was the he would keep it under wrap, lying to me that he had told administration and that they were looking into it, because he had not documented her prior acts of mental abuse upon veterans.

I have been a veteran’s advocate for 20+ years, and now the evil deeds of one has caused me to stop. At this time I cannot even finish the final edit of my newest book without the racing thoughts, the shakes, the tears. So for the time being you shall not be hearing from me, as I try and work through this new betrayal, something that would never have happened had her supervisor thought enough about the position and other veterans to write her up and ultimately have her removed.

Miette

Miracle of the VA

Miracle of the VA

I have been going to the VA for more than 20 years, doctor after doctor, specialist after specialist, medication after medication. This past week I was informed that I am cured, that I suffer no longer from many disorders, because I do not have them or they have been “resolved” (whatever that is supposed to mean). All those years, all the meds, all that pain, and I do not know why the VA put me through so much when all it seems I had to do was one simple thing – get to a C&P. Yes, one simple C&P and the examiner wrote up that I no longer suffer from many disorders, they have been cured, or never were.

            Now I would be the happiest person ever had my body known that I had been cured as the C&P examiner put in the results. Unfortunately, my body doesn’t agree, well if I’m being honest, neither does a dozen doctors agree with what was written, a dozen VA doctors, including VA specialists. It amazes me that someone can, in good standing, look through records that diagnose one issue after another, see the plethora of medications tried to help ease the symptoms note the medications that I currently take and still come to the conclusion that I not only do not have the listed disabilities, but actual put they have been resolved.

            One of the extremes on the exam was the examiner came to the conclusion that my cervical spondylosis is a new and separate condition due to aging changes, and not due to the in-service neck strain. I place the first C&P results that I had done back in 1991, right after I got out of the military, that on the x-rays is the evidence of cervical spondylosis and the x-ray technician’s opinion was that I have cervical spondylosis, next to the new C&P exam results. But what happened? I mean the examination that I had gone to in September of this year, she had decided that this was a new condition, so I have to question, what is the definition of new? As much as I try and stretch the definition, I cannot seem to get new and over twenty years to equal.

            Maybe I would not be so very sarcastic if I hadn’t fought for 20 years for the VA to agree that it was service-connected, yet it is now listed as a disability, not related to the military but due to age. So is that what I have to look forward to? That my disabilities one day will all be related to age? I am not a medical doctor, but I can read records and now understand it really doesn’t matter what’s in your records. It seems that all the VA does is read the C&P exam, and take that opinion. No matter how many VA doctors state you have something, it can be rebutted and given more weight by a C&P examiner, no matter what experience and education that examiner has, or better said hasn’t. I thought a VA specialist would outweigh the general medical understanding that a C&P examiner had.

            Yes, I will be putting in a Notice of Disagreement, and it annoys me that I have to. My records are not a fight against VA and non-VA doctors’ results, but VA specialist against C&P examiner and the conclusion is that the examiner’s opinion wins out. The VA also seems to know exactly when to send out their decision. Mine arrived on my birthday, Happy Birthday to me. The next day I was in bed most of the day, and the next, suffering in pain from the disability that I have been told I know longer suffer from, that I take medications for every day. Oh if it was true, if it only took one appointment to get over, 20 years of suffering gone in a few hours, the miracle of the VA.