Still Trying to Hold It All Together

Still Trying to Hold It All Together

This one is a hard one to write, and you will understand after you finish. As I put in my last post, I had to stop for a while, how long that was I did not know. I am not totally back, I do not know if I will be. I have had to stop all my help to MST survivors, leave my position as Service Officer of American Legion Post, stop in the final draft of another book about MST, go back to the VA and talk them out of hospitalizing me and just give me the medications that I asked for (had help talking the VA out of it only because my husband happens to have the education and experience to assess people for suicide), go up on one med and add another, return to therapy at the VA, not able to go to my husband’s work (to say hi), stop volunteering for anything related to helping others, start two home businesses that deal with just food to keep my mind busy. All this, all I had to do to just keep myself out of being hospitalized (yes a mental hospital), and the irony, this was caused by a previous coworker, her supervisor and the mental health organization that I recently tried to work for.

            I thought that after all of these years, all the self-therapy, professional therapy, medications and such that I would not ever have to deal with what I did. I know that hind-sight is 20/20, but I did not see this one coming and that made it so much worse. As I had posted before, I went back to work, or tried after I had stayed home with my kids, that and I could not actually get a job with my disabilities. From the military, the injuries that I incurred (many done to me on purpose) I haven’t been able to even think about applying for a job for over 13 years. I eventually understood that it was best for myself and my children that I did stay at home with them (it really makes a difference for them), but I have always tried to have my own business. I have dipped in and out of them over the years, along with continuing my formal education (and making sure that I was very involved with my children’s). As most of you all know I have written a few books (5) and even though I have wanted to be a writer from when I was very little, I wanted to be a fiction writer, so of course my last, ok all my books have been non-fiction (one of the many things that I cannot do anymore thanks to a few head injuries – yes, military again).

            So with my disabilities the ability of finding a job, any job seemed like it would never occur. I was thrilled when a position came open where I could help veterans, in person. I actually applied for it because the process of volunteering was actually taking longer and I would pretty much be doing the same thing. So I got the job, even talked my husband into coming with me (taking a pay cut) but it would be ‘great.’ I mean what could possibly happen? That is a statement that I need never to say, well I actually did not, I knew better, and I was right. So I get hired for my education and experience. I get to help start a veteran’s center, a place that is a one-stop, so that veterans (one day) would be able to walk in and get the help that they needed, talk to someone who really understands (because they are a veteran, been there and done that, got two t-shirts). I was very specific about what I had to have to work, accommodations for my disabilities. I had to have a flexible schedule. I get migraines and when they come on work is impossible. I also currently (and have for years) suffer from PTSD, both for sexual and combat traumas.

            So I get hired, and since both my husband and I are in the same area we cannot have the same supervisor, so I get put under someone for paperwork purposes only. Well this person did not know what she was doing as a supervisor (not that she knew what she was doing in her job either) but even her supervisor did not do what needed to be done. The first problem was that this organization is anything but organized. As I posted when I first got there, the organization did not seem to understand veterans and the issues that many of them suffer from.

            Anyway, I get hired, and I start to do…nothing. Yep, first month actually not a thing (training on computer) but no actual work. The next month my husband came on and I moved from one grant to under a contract. This contract is given to mental health organizations to help veterans. I thought, great something to do. The other grant started to really get going (my husband is great at that), and I thought that I would too. I mean the person that I was now working with, my supervisor (remember paperwork for only) but she had been in the same position for 2 years. Then I found out. This person should never have been hired for this position. She did not have the experience or the education to do it. Sure the qualification was only a high school diploma (the organization should have at least put bachelors) but there was not a requirement for that from the granting contractor – Texas Department of State Health Services.

            So let’s call her “L” (not that I do not want to mention her real name, it’s just that right now that I have an EEOC complaint in, I want them to investigate without her saying anything). L did not want anyone to work with her. You ask why? Well because she did not really do anything. She was given thousands to help veterans and the money was squandered for friends of her supervisor (who were vets) but for steaks (BBQ), gas money, and totally outrageously priced promotional products (they saw her coming and took her for a ride). I actually knew her for over a year. I had met her and asked if there was anything that I could volunteer with, and there did not seem to be. I was even trained, on the contracts bill (which means tax payers money) so that I could help other veterans, peer-to-peer, but nothing, never called.

            Fast forward to where she is with someone who takes her work very serious, that makes sure every dollar is spent in the proper way and to maximize it to the fullest, helping as many veterans that I could; that would be me. Her first comments were to complain about her supervisor that he had been using the contact money as his only personal bank account (really?).I am waiting, asking, waiting, asking, for anything to do, and am told ‘nothing.’ So I go to her supervisor where I am told that I have to be patient with her. Patient? She has had this job for over 2 years and I have to be patient? Finally after I continually asked and asked and asked (and just helped out with the other grants) I said that I could not work like that. I could not work with someone who did nothing. So the contract was to be divided. (This should have tipped me off). Her supervisor said that I should look over what I wanted to do and tell him, she would do the rest. So he tells her the same thing. She comes up to my desk and asks what I am up to (I was asked to put together a program for a grant, and did it in two days off the cuff), so I said that I had been asked to put in for a grant (to write up the program). She asked if I needed any help and I said that I did not. I did not because I was already done and just emailing the final draft over. Not that I would had needed her anyway (she knew just enough to make her dangerous). So I get this look, the look that things are now different.

            The next day we are to go over the contract and each get our separate duties. She comes over to my desk and asks if I am going to be there for a while, a veteran was coming over and wanted to talk about ‘benefits.’ Now in the office, there was (and still isn’t) anyone who knew veteran benefits like I did. I prided myself on helping veterans and you cannot help what you do not know. So I stay. I hear that the veteran is there and he gets escorted to a private room so that we can talk. L comes by the desk on the way to the other room and with a by-the-way tone states that he is in crisis. Crisis? What the heck? As I walk to the other room I grab my husband and pull him aside and tell him that I had just been told this veteran is in crisis. I cannot help veterans that are in crisis, I have my own issues and it brings out too much emotional pain. L knows this, L also knows that I suffer from combat related PTSD (and she assumes because this young veteran is in crisis, it must be from PTSD). She had set me up, set me up because she does not want others to find out that she is totally incompetent, that she needs to be fired!

            I have a choice to make. I know going into the room and talking with this veteran will trigger me at the least, retraumatize me, most likely; but I also know that if I do not go in and talk with him (because he was sent over to us for help, sent over to the office because L told the person on the phone to send him to us, not to the ER, not to the mental health section to get assessed, but to the office where the only combat veteran was me) this veteran would leave and take his life. I disassociate all my feelings and go in. I helped him out (he was at the end and would have ended his life had I not spoken with him). I told him that I understood, and I did, I understood because I had been at the same point that he was and I had tried to end it but not educated with medications (at the time) and I did not take what would have killed me, not that I did not try, just not educated to know. Later that night I lost it, the disassociation crumbled and the thoughts came back, then the nightmares came back, then the irritability and more and more. I knew it would happen, but I could not allow a veteran to kill himself when I had the ability to help, even if that meant I would pay for it dearly (as I still am). But he is alive, he is fine, he knows that people do care.

            During the conversation, she continually would say things like ‘oh that’s in the past’ and other comments that actually escalated the situation. I had to make up stuff for her to check on to get her out of the room. Had that veteran just talked with her, he would have left and ended it. I know that. Had someone talked liked that to me under the same circumstances, I would have ended it. Thankfully my husband helped out a lot, as well as the other two veterans in the office to get services and such in place for him. But what had him open up was the understanding that I had, the understanding that I had been there, that I did know what he was going through.

            I told what she did to her supervisor, and his supervisor (well who I thought was), but it did not seem like anyone was listening. She had done this on purpose. Then again, I was influenced by others; she just was trying to help and did not know what she was doing. Deep inside me I knew it was wrong, but I thought, why would someone do this to me? Why would someone who knew my past (she had been given my books, by me) put me in that situation on purpose? All that I wanted to do was to help.

            The next month and I found out more. L lied regularly to veterans telling them that she would help when she had no idea what she was talking about. She lied to organizations stating that she would do certain things and she did not. She would get veterans who wanted to do groups, wanted to volunteer and would not take their information, let alone start a group (oh, by the way, that was part of her job). She would turn on a person if she thought that they were somehow doing “her” work, even though she did not. So the Stand Down (for homeless veterans) comes and we are but two weeks away and she does not have the food settled, her job. L does not have any veteran organizations coming, she said that they did not tell her; actually she did not contact them. L decides to ask the VA if they can just change the date. Yep, she does not have a clue about the VA, not that that isn’t also a part of her job. So my husband steps in and makes sure that the Stand Down actually goes off and that veterans are served. After that three organizations do not want anything to do with a program if she is involved.

            You would think by this time the organization would fire her, right? Oh, no, not then. So she tells me that in her previous job she was introduced as a grief counselor to soldiers that had a suicide in their unit, of course she would tell them she was not…nope! She said that she already had a relationship with the unit and wanted to help. Wanted to help? She has NO experience or education to really help…nope. Just as when two veterans (that she admitted to) called and were suicidal and she talked with them. No she did not give them the 1-800 number, no there was no follow up. Are the veterans dead? I don’t know, but from her comments while in with the other suicidal veteran, they probably are.

            I continue on. I am given the women veterans and I ask her for all the women veterans that she has contact information on. You know, her job, finding veterans. She states that she knows 1 (that happens to be the other woman veteran in the office). She really does not have one? Almost three years in the same position, 18 counties in East Texas (that’s what the contract covers) and she knows not one?! So I am just done with even thinking she has anything to offer. I go along and start to gather names. Both of us are tasked with having groups started in January, February at the latest. I am going along great then I am told that her supervisor (the person who divided the contract) is planning an ambush meeting. He is going to ambush me after the weekly meeting to talk about what I can do to work with her again. I say nothing, I wait to see if he actually is going to ambush me, I wait for an email, it does not come. I am not about to continue with this. I resign. I told him, as I had told everyone that I could not work with her, I did not trust her, I would not allow my name anywhere near hers (it was poison to veterans, veteran organizations and other community organizations).

            I resign, stating hostile work environment and don’t put an ending date. I worked part-time. I did not know how long it would take to make sure the work I had done went to someone who could be trusted to continue with it. So the next day I am working from home, emailing and going on when I cannot log into the website. I call my husband who tries it out and says to call HR because they might have a different way since I am leaving. I call and am told over the phone that I no longer work there. I am locked out of the computer. All the work that I was doing, all the emails that I had out, all the women veterans and others that I had been working with, all of it locked. The organization did not care that I was in the middle of anything. They did not care that veterans would not be called back who had been interested in groups (groups because they were not doing well after the military). A mental health organization did not care that people whose mental health was at risk were not going to get the help, just nothing, no call, no email, their emails would go unanswered because all of mine were locked out. I had some of their client confidential information, confidential office papers, lots and no one asked for it. There is a procedure that you do an exit interview as well as going over other stuff when you leave, nothing was done with me.

            Because my husband still worked there I was trying to be professional. I was not doing well but I was still trying to help. After a month I get a call from HR asking about my complaint and go in. I tell her what happened. Ok, now this is the scary part. I have the qualifications, education, skill and experience to make this statement and that it should be taken very serious. I stated that in my personal and professional opinion that L would be the end cause of a veteran to commit suicide if left in her position. I did not make, and I do not make the statement lightly. I thought that it would be taken as I had given it, but it was brushed off. I was brushed off. Here I had been retraumatized, the mental health organization knew it, yet was I asked if I needed any help? Was I even called? Emailed? No!

            What did happen was that after I told HR all that happened my husband (when he got home from taking our daughter to college, his first day back) got an email from his supervisor (yes the same supervisor of L’s, the same that I told, the same that knew all that happened) that he needed to have a conversation with my husband as to how I could continue to talk yet not have it effect the center or the organization! A threat? I no longer worked there, I could say anything that I wanted to, but to call my husband in and tell him that they need to discuss how I can continue to ‘express’ myself and it not look bad on them?! I could not believe it. Then I read the email that he had been sent. Attached to it was copies of my blog, this blog, highlighting areas insinuating that I am just a critical person and that I should not be talking bad about the organization, program or their employees. Then another email that this guy (his supervisor) sent out to an outside agency saying that I had personal conflicts with L, and insinuated that I was the problem, that I was spreading rumors that the American Legion Post that I was affiliated with was going to try and take the contract they had, and that they (L and the supervisor) were dealing with it, and that I had said this and that to certain people (who I had not) The whole thing was just a bunch of stuff tossed together mixing times, people and incidents to make it seem like I was just a critical person. Then an email forwarded by L. This email was a personal one that I had sent from my personal email address to an organization before I went to work at the center. The email had personal medical information about the limitations of my disabilities. L had gotten it from someone who did not have the authority to give it out. This was it, this was the straw, this put me over the edge. I was just hanging on and then this, just at it had been in the military, lies and people trying to make up stuff that did not happen to make it seem like I was a problem.

            Yes, I have an EEOC complaint in. I have also told the contract holder what happened. I am also going to put in a fraud complaint in. It has taken a while for me to get to the point that I could even write the emails, make the complaints. Actually make a sentence that made sense (not that I do, but at least I am told that many understand what I am trying to write). How ironic, the organization starting a trauma-informed care program (all the while traumatizing an employee then tossing her to the side). Oh, it hurts, and I am still trying to get things in order.

            As many know, trying to get into see anyone quickly at the VA is pretty impossible. So when it all fell I called and the first opening to talk about adding to the meds (and upping the ones I was taking) was a month after the call, and two months to talk with the social worker. So it has been rough. I thank all who have asked and been concerned for me. I am sorry that I could not formulate even a coherent sentence to explain what I was going through (what I am going through). I still cannot continue with the final draft of the book. I haven’t been able to help the people that I have wanted to. I have been in my own mental world trying to keep myself out of the hospital (no thanks to the VA) and I do not know when, or if I will be able to return to the advocacy that I was doing for veterans. The supervisor (L’s supervisor) was a Marine, and a Marine was the first person attacked me on the night I went into the military. A Marine was who took so much from me years ago, and it just hit so many triggers this time. I haven’t had these thoughts in over 20 years and I thought that I had worked through them, but it’s not just a retraumatize it’s actual another trauma that has now been added. All I wanted to do was to help and all I ended up getting was abused. For trust issues? Really what is trust, other than something you give no one! No one!

            I know this seems to just continue on without much focus, but that pretty much is what it is like for me right now. Hoping that I can make it through a trip to the store without bursting into tears, or fleeing because I ‘see’ things. Ok, before the VA gets any more information to actually put me in a hospital, another trauma the VA caused years ago. I will end this.

            (If there are misspelled words or sentences that do not make sense, well I did not go back through this, I just wrote, I cannot go back through it, not yet, not today.

Just A Note To Say I Must Pause For Awhile.

Just A Note To Say I Must Pause For Awhile.

I am not doing well at this time. I have a VA appointment to up or add to my meds tomorrow and another VA appointment, for therapy, in February (the first opening that was available). I stopped with my edit of my resent book, my nightmares have increased and become more intense, I have headaches every day, I can barely think and cry when I think about it all.

I did not see it coming. I know hindsight I could look and pick out what I now see as something different, but I know where that gets you – self-blame. A supervisor (at the recent position I had) decided that I was a threat to her job, so she used what she personally knew about me (that I suffer from PTSD, and that a part of my trauma(s) are from combat) and used that to cut me to the core. To cause the most harm she could possibly think, retraumatize me and play the game that she was trying to help another veteran. I, of course did tell her supervisor, what I did not know was the he would keep it under wrap, lying to me that he had told administration and that they were looking into it, because he had not documented her prior acts of mental abuse upon veterans.

I have been a veteran’s advocate for 20+ years, and now the evil deeds of one has caused me to stop. At this time I cannot even finish the final edit of my newest book without the racing thoughts, the shakes, the tears. So for the time being you shall not be hearing from me, as I try and work through this new betrayal, something that would never have happened had her supervisor thought enough about the position and other veterans to write her up and ultimately have her removed.

Miette

Miracle of the VA

Miracle of the VA

I have been going to the VA for more than 20 years, doctor after doctor, specialist after specialist, medication after medication. This past week I was informed that I am cured, that I suffer no longer from many disorders, because I do not have them or they have been “resolved” (whatever that is supposed to mean). All those years, all the meds, all that pain, and I do not know why the VA put me through so much when all it seems I had to do was one simple thing – get to a C&P. Yes, one simple C&P and the examiner wrote up that I no longer suffer from many disorders, they have been cured, or never were.

            Now I would be the happiest person ever had my body known that I had been cured as the C&P examiner put in the results. Unfortunately, my body doesn’t agree, well if I’m being honest, neither does a dozen doctors agree with what was written, a dozen VA doctors, including VA specialists. It amazes me that someone can, in good standing, look through records that diagnose one issue after another, see the plethora of medications tried to help ease the symptoms note the medications that I currently take and still come to the conclusion that I not only do not have the listed disabilities, but actual put they have been resolved.

            One of the extremes on the exam was the examiner came to the conclusion that my cervical spondylosis is a new and separate condition due to aging changes, and not due to the in-service neck strain. I place the first C&P results that I had done back in 1991, right after I got out of the military, that on the x-rays is the evidence of cervical spondylosis and the x-ray technician’s opinion was that I have cervical spondylosis, next to the new C&P exam results. But what happened? I mean the examination that I had gone to in September of this year, she had decided that this was a new condition, so I have to question, what is the definition of new? As much as I try and stretch the definition, I cannot seem to get new and over twenty years to equal.

            Maybe I would not be so very sarcastic if I hadn’t fought for 20 years for the VA to agree that it was service-connected, yet it is now listed as a disability, not related to the military but due to age. So is that what I have to look forward to? That my disabilities one day will all be related to age? I am not a medical doctor, but I can read records and now understand it really doesn’t matter what’s in your records. It seems that all the VA does is read the C&P exam, and take that opinion. No matter how many VA doctors state you have something, it can be rebutted and given more weight by a C&P examiner, no matter what experience and education that examiner has, or better said hasn’t. I thought a VA specialist would outweigh the general medical understanding that a C&P examiner had.

            Yes, I will be putting in a Notice of Disagreement, and it annoys me that I have to. My records are not a fight against VA and non-VA doctors’ results, but VA specialist against C&P examiner and the conclusion is that the examiner’s opinion wins out. The VA also seems to know exactly when to send out their decision. Mine arrived on my birthday, Happy Birthday to me. The next day I was in bed most of the day, and the next, suffering in pain from the disability that I have been told I know longer suffer from, that I take medications for every day. Oh if it was true, if it only took one appointment to get over, 20 years of suffering gone in a few hours, the miracle of the VA.

Good Intentions are Not Enough.

Good Intentions are Not Good Enough.

There are very many people out there who have in their hearts the desire to help veterans, but they do not know how.  I am grateful for these people and look to their help with open arms, but my first suggestion to them is to do a little research about military and veterans, especially when putting together a program. Now I also extend this to veterans who want to help their own; in that:  we did not all serve in the same military; we did not all serve in the same occupation; we did not all deploy to the same place, if we deployed at all; and we did not have the same experiences.

I was in the Air Force, although I have brothers who served in the Army, biological father who served in the Navy and father-in-law (who has passed away) who served in the Marine Corps, I served in the Air Force. I did have the privilege to actually serve alongside all the services, but only with specific careers. With that said, military terminology for the most part is shared among the services, but every branch, ever base/post, every field has many of its own language. Even as a veteran, if you are in a job or volunteer to help other veterans, know who your clients/participants will be. If you were never deployed and you want to work with veterans who were, know the language, know the basic triggers, know the era, learn what you can so that you do not inadvertently do more damage than good.

This brings me to the area which I have focused on, women who experienced Military Sexual Trauma. I understand, even as a survivor myself, everyone’s situation, everyone’s experience, and everyone’s reactions will be different. I have researched the clinical journals to see what the “professionals” have to say, but I have also had hundreds if not thousands of conversations (emails, IMs, in person, over the phone, even letters) with others, who also experienced MST, both men and women. I know for myself that I am extremely empathetic to men and their unique circumstances, but all the perpetrators I came in contact with were men, so I work in a general sense with them. I focus more on not just what I know, but who I can help the most, women. I know that being in a group setting to talk about emotions, feelings, troubles, symptoms; I would not be comfortable having a man in that group – for two reasons. The first I have already mentioned, that protects me, the second is I do not want to be the one who triggers another survivor, male or female, but I know much of my language is from the point of a woman who encountered only male perpetrators.

I have seen too many people with good intentions retraumatize others. I have seen programs, which again were done with good intentions, retraumatize others. So before you want to help others here are a few tips –

·         Know who it is that you are trying to help

·         Research that area

·         Know the language

·         Ask to have another (survivor) look over a program before you implement it

·         Research what you are going to call the program so that you are not leaving out who you state you are helping

·         Again with the name of programs, make sure it is not offensive, as if you are using a mythological  god or goddess’ name (as I have seen before), know not just the main stories but the back stories of that god or goddess’

·         Look up the dictionary definition of main words used in the program name to see if there isn’t an old English definition that would be offensive

I am just asking that a little more thought, and much more investigation (research) into who you are trying to help. Good intentions are not good enough.

Years later and it still effects me.

I have not worked for an actual employer for about 13 years, I have volunteered for bunches of places, but there when I could be, and nothing that required my being there at any specific time. Because of my service-connected disabilities, finding an employer who had the flexibility that I needed in a job was pretty much out of the question. I am actually glad it happened. I was forced home but got to raise my children and understand the importance it is for someone to always be there for them when they are home (but that’s another entry).

So, I have my actual first day at work. It is training for situations where a client could become aggressive, how to handle yourself and make it so that the client is not injured. I was not hired for a position that would deal with clients as the training was for, but it’s mandatory for the entire organization, so I had to be there. The person who was doing the training had done it so often and just went through the motions of the beginning, which now she will not do. There was a paper to sign saying that you are physically fit and have talked to the instructor prior about any medical conditions, she went right from reading a little to telling everyone to just sign the paper. I did not. I know that I am not physically fit, did not know the extent of what this training was going to be, and not about to agree to anything that I was not fully aware of.

Thank heaven there was another woman veteran there (she also was hired for the same job that I am going to be doing). We had fun laughing at what others thought would be good techniques for someone trying to hurt them. As veterans, there was already a bit of trust for one another. It was extremely hard to actually try and do what they wanted us to do, it was awkward and totally not how either of us was trained. It came to a part where I was not comfortable with. I do not like people coming up behind me, let alone having them put me in a bear hug. I had been ok with from the side because I could see them, and it was the other veteran who was the “them” so far. The trainer came over and told me that it was my turn and I said that I was not comfortable with this. She looked at me and pretty much said that I needed to do the technique, like I was whinnying about it. So this other woman, who had been right next to us all day, took it upon herself to be the assailant. I was very specific that we needed to do this just as it was demonstrated. So I kept thinking “don’t throw her, don’t throw her,” which was the natural trained reaction to what she did. I was controlling my breathing and doing ok. I called for “help” which was also part of it (I would have never had to call, that person would have been on the ground in a second). My helper came over and began to take one of the hands off me. I took hold of the thumb (again I would not have) and slowly began to nicely put it over to the side to hold it, that’s when she tightened up. I added a little more pressure to say “that’s enough,” but she clamped down on me. It wasn’t even more than half a second and she was to the side, holding her finger saying that I broke it. The trainer looked at her like “come on, it’s not broke” and then looked at me. I said if it wasn’t broke, most likely it was fractured, but I know that I tore everything that was connected in that finger. Everyone paused and just looked. I said that I was sorry but I was very sure that I had really hurt her. I told her and the instructor they needed to do an incident report. The lady brushed it off, so did the instructor, I was very persistent, it needed to be documented. I knew it would not be until the next day where she would not be able to use it at all.

Then a few more techniques came up and I was flat – I am not doing it. I wasn’t afraid that I would be upset, or even that it would trigger some negative emotion in me. I was working with women but knew that it was not a good idea. I was right that time and someone had been hurt, I did not want to hurt anyone else, and I especially did not want to really injure someone. Not that the finger isn’t really injured, my thoughts are that she was still able to walk and breath. The trainer’s helper tried to press me to do it. Did they not get it? Nope. I said no.

So the next day I see the lady, we are now in training for CPR. Her finger is three times the size, bruises and red marks, especially in the joint area. She had not made an incident report. I told her again that she needed to do it. I had told my direct supervisor about it and followed what I needed to do. I could not believe that she had not at least done an incident report or went to the doctor.

But to me, it was hard.  I thought that the people who had hired me were a little educated about veterans and some of the issues that many of us have, especially women who were assaulted in the military. I am very open; I mean I wrote enough books to be “open” about most of what I experienced and was hired for the education and experience that I bring. But again, I was not heard when I stated that I did not feel comfortable. I did not take the instructor aside, she did not give the chance to do it privately, and I don’t go out of my way to explain when that is their job to know. Even if I had not been in the military, because of the amount of women who are sexually assaulted, it would not be a push for there to be more than one woman in there who had been. The trainer should understand that and never push anyone to do something they are very clear that they are not comfortable with. I didn’t say it softly I was very serious and straight out about it.

It wasn’t just me. The other veteran who was with me did not want to do one of the techniques, after my incident, and she was told that she should just “try.” I said no, she wasn’t going to do it, and by the way I wasn’t either. The organization just started the program that we were hired for, Veteran’s Resource Center, and just like other places, the heart felt want is there, but not the understanding many of the issues. The techniques were trained for, if used on many veterans, would get the person doing them really hurt, if not killed. The “sneaking up from behind” is not a good idea, the “put your hand on their arm,” nope, the “both of you flank the person who is holding a weapon and visually irritated,” not either. So we will be doing our own training before anyone comes to the Center to work.

My children laughed at the whole situation, 13 years off work, my first back and did not even make it a hole day without something from my past messing up the now. Nobody else in the training hurt anyone, this was the first time that there had been an incident during training for the trainer, and she has done it for years. I know that it was their mistake, but again, it can make a person feel like an outsider. Here hundreds of other employees had no problem, and I am sure that someone, at one time, probably was messing around too. I know the other lady was with her partner prior to her volunteering, and the look on the faces of the others (excluding the other veteran) was shock and disbelief that I had really hurt someone over just being held tight. I am happy they do not have the same feelings that I do when that happened, but again that has the inclination to separate me out from the “norm.”

I have computer training that needs to be completed prior to going to the Center. I am only part-time but was told that my first two weeks they know if I do 40 hours it’s ok, because it is expected with the training that all employees must go through. I have tried, but I had to pull back. I was hired with the knowledge that I would work part-time, not part-time because I want to, part-time because I cannot give the regular hours without it doing some serious damage to functionability.  That has not changed. Again I am separated out.

I had accepted the new me, and have been ok to this point, but now that I am back in the working world, working for someone, I will have to once again accept another new me – the new working (part-time) me.

What a day is like for me. Life with service-connected disability.

What a day is like for me.  Life with service-connected disability.

It’s considered another day even though I haven’t been to sleep yet. It’s another night that I just lay there while my head continues to run from one thought to the next. All the house is sleeping, everything, even the cats, but I am wide awake. I cannot watch TV because that never gets me tired, as a few minutes with the TV on in the bedroom and my husband is snoring. I can hear the dogs as they snore around the bed. If I write, I could do that for hours, if I read I could do that for hours too. All I can do, to be able to get some sleep is to lie there, close my eyes and hope for sleep.

I am getting tired and feeling like sleep might be coming but one of the dogs hears something outside and is up and out the dog door. The other dogs hear her and out they go. Sometimes it is “quietly,” where I am the only one who hears them, other times they start the barking from under the bed and bark the whole way outside. Those times it disturbs my husband, his breathing changes. He could sleep through a freight training going through the bedroom. They all come back in and lay down. Soon they are all out again and I am the only one left awake. I have comfort in them. If they were not there by me keeping me safe, making sure if there is a sound that I do not hear they do, I wouldn’t get any sleep.

I glance around the room and see something, or do I? I think I saw a shadow, was it from a car coming in the driveway? Was it from someone prowling around my house? I look at the dogs, they aren’t moving, it was just my mind again. I have had the prowler outside the house trying to look into my daughter’s room. I have had the guy come into my daughter’s room in the middle of the night (who does not understand how lucky he was that my husband got to him first – had it been me, he’d been dead, not just hurt). I am an MST survivor, attacked by my own. Had someone try to climb into my room while I was in Saudi, had someone come up behind me when I opened my door and push me inside to try and rape me. I have been almost kidnapped by a taxi driver in Saudi, sold off to some Saudi guy (by my own), left to see if I’d make it back alive, my car broken into and purse stolen in the church parking lot. I have reason to think there could be someone out there. There has been “someone” out there before, but I know that it’s me, it’s because of the past that I see the shadows, wake up to the different sounds the house makes on occasion, can hear the change in breathing patterns of my children in the other room, hear the soft footsteps when they get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. Hear the neighbor dog as he eats our cat foot out the side of the house. I hear it all. I had to stay vigilant for so many years, I haven’t been able to turn it off – it’s always on, when I am awake, even when I am “sound” asleep.

Finally I fall to sleep but within two hours I am up again, my daughter has gotten up to get ready for work. I can hear her shower going. It takes about an hour before I can fall back to sleep, but up again when she comes downstairs for food and to leave. The dogs hear her and are up, I was up when I heard her feet on the stairs. She’s gone and this continues as my husband gets up, then our female house guest then my son. Between all this and my getting up to use the bathroom (at least twice) I can get a good three hours of continuous sleep on a good night. Then just here and there a few minutes to an hour.

It’s time for me to get up, but this morning I have been dreading lifting up my body, another headache. The climate has changed and I have one of the annoying always there pressure headaches which feel like a beanie that’s too tight on my head. I lift up and I wait while my body adjusts to being upright. It won’t matter if I try and sleep it off, this one I just have to deal with. I figure after my morning meds are down for at least an hour, I’ll take some IB or acetaminophen. I check the calendar on the wall to see if I have any appointments for the day. I do it periodically throughout the day because sometimes I cannot remember that I have an appointment right after I have checked the calendar, that’s why it’s in the kitchen where I have to walk by it to my room and during the day. I get the meds that I determined I would take from the VA and take them with breakfast. I sit on the couch and check my emails for a few minutes getting ready for a shower.

That’s when it happens, all of a sudden I feel a rush of heat over my body. Not again. Sure enough within a few more seconds I am in the bathroom and my breakfast and meds are coming out. In my rush I forget to close the door and in comes our new four month old German Shepherd puppy, who knows since I am on the floor it must be time to play. He gets a few licks in until I grab his collar and hold him. He’s not doing anything wrong and there is no correction, it was me who forgot to shut the door. I make a mental note that I need to make sure that I do that next time. That does not mean the next time I will remember, but I may.

So I can feel that it’s one of those days. A day that I must stay home and near the bathroom. A day if I had appointments I would have to take extra meds to get me through the appointments, that I would pay for the next few days. I clean up and head back to the couch. I don’t know what meds were absorbed, I cannot take more or I get too much, I have to wait through the discomfort (sometimes) pain until the next med time. I know that I also have to wait out the headache, my stomach will not take anything but water and crackers, maybe Sprite, but mostly defizzed. I go back to the couch and turn on the TV to some nature channel. I know that my time on the computer for the day will be greatly limited, to keep the headache from becoming a migraine. My body shakes a little from the meds that aren’t in there and I wish that I could just go back to bed. I don’t because there is no reason, whether or not I’m in bed has nothing to do with how my day will go. If I was in the bed I still would not sleep, I would still shake and I would still have the headache, so no reason to just lay there, I will do a little “work.”

I look around the house and want to clean up. I want to do the daily sweeping you have to do with dogs. I want to put the dishes into the dishwasher, to do some laundry, but if I move too much I will be back in the bathroom and I hate dry heaving, it hurts. The little dust monsters (they would be bunnies if I did not have big shepherds) that appear every day will have to just grow for the day. My day will be on the couch, to the bathroom, back to the couch, all day long.

I get out my spiral notebooks because computer time will cause a migraine. I have dozens of notebooks with all my writings. I have written books, they begin in notebooks, they end in notebooks, longhand. I will transfer them to the computer on another day. I have the TV on for educational purposes. Because it’s summer I watch my son come downstairs, get his own breakfast then head to the video game. He turns if on and off during the day as he goes around the house, out to see a friend, back in for some food, which begins with him just stating that he’s hungry. That’s the ploy to see if I will make him something. Today I can barely get myself food. It will do no good to tell him that “I’m sick,” to him I’m always sick. He had never understood sick, he has never really been sick. I cannot remember him ever throwing up because he was sick. I do recall a time that he had a temperature high enough that I did give him some medication. His “sick” usually lasts for a few hours that he can sleep off. The sniffles is his “sickness.” I am grateful both my children are like this, they have the immune system that I had before the military. I did not know what sick was. I never threw-up because of being sick. I did not even know what a headache really was. I remember there was one time that my head hurt, but it was because my brother has taken the receiver of a phone and bashed me across the head with it. I would tell my mom that I was sick so that I did not have to go to school, but she knew better. I could eat anything, the stomach of a goat. Even on vacation to Mexico I ate from a vender off the street. My mom got sick, I didn’t even feel a gurgle. Maybe it would be easier if I had been sick, ever had the chicken pocks, or the flu, or any “childhood disease.”  In our house for medication was an old bottle of children’s aspirin, that’s it, and I think it was purchased years before I was born.

So I sit there and tell him that I have already eaten crackers, which means that’s mostly what I will eat for the rest of the day. As I hear him in the kitchen I am so thankful he does not know the pain that I am in. That he just thinks I “complain” about every little thing. At times I wish both my children would get sick, just once to understand. My daughter does know what a headache is, a headache from not drinking enough water, but not a migraine.

I move my legs because they ache when they stay in one position too long. I push the pillow behind my back lower because my back is starting to hurt from just sitting there. I lean my head back to move my neck so that it does not start to hurt. I want to get up. I want to move, but if I do, not only will I have to run back to the bathroom, but I might get dizzy again and fall. If I fall I am fair game for the puppy. Oh, four month old German Shepherd puppies are bigger than many dogs. My stomach turns because the crackers are not working as much. My intestines are mad and take it out on me in pain, off to the bathroom again for another reason.

I hate not taking a shower every day. My skin begins to itch (from the rash I contracted in Saudi and still plagues me).  I scratch and know if I do not take a shower it could spread, and if I do not keep it under control it will end up in my mouth and I hate when that happens. I have meds for that, but there is just something that is so annoying (more than normal) about a sore in the mouth that itches and when your tongue heads there, it’s just pain. So I get up make a quick detour to the toilet then into the shower for a complete scrub down. I also hate when the rash gets into my hair line, the moving hair irritates it and cause it to itch more.

I want to stay in the shower longer but I know if I try I could fall, getting a little dizzy, so I’m out. As I dry off the puppy helps with my feet. It’s not that I like it, it’s that he loves it and it’s a small thing that does bind us closer. I head back to the couch and look over the pile of things that I still need to accomplish. The bill that’s in collection because the hospital cannot seem to get VA the proper documentation for them to pay, and I’m getting the bill. I’m not about to pay it, it’s not my fault the hospital cannot coordinate with VA to get paid. There’s my claim that has been going on since 2010. I had at one point to pause it because looking over all that information again was causing serious problems (mentally). I see once again the VA has messed it up and I need to send them the same letter stating what I am claiming and what I am not claiming. They have only done this twice this time around, twice but both five months apart.

I totally believe that our records are put into a file asking the veteran information that has already been asked and answered, but it takes my claim out of “backlog” and into “waiting for information from veteran.” I snicker to myself when I see they are again referring to my 25 page statement. The one that on the top states that I am claiming and lists exactly what it is, in numbered points and then goes on to list the evidence to support them. I do this on purpose. You look at just the top and know exactly what I am claiming. But I get another letter stating they do not understand what I am claiming, again say that I am changing an already service-connected rated disability to now be something else. No, again, I am not. I know this needs to be done but that requires the computer and I haven’t been able to have a computer day to get it all taken care of. I try to do it on just one day, or I’m up at night thinking about what I still need to list.

As I write in the notebook, I forget what a certain word is. My husband isn’t around so that we can play the “what is it game,” that I do constantly. So I put in parentheses the definition of the word that I cannot remember. Just a few sentences and I am starting to not remember how to spell certain words, so then the spelling leaves, then I have to continually read over what I wrote because by the time I am at the end of the sentence I cannot remember what I was trying to say. The day writing is now over with. I look up to hear my son ask what I am burning. I go into the kitchen and see that I have put something into the microwave. What it is and when I did it I don’t know but it’s done. I do not cook (use the oven or stove) when I am the only one home because I do not remember that I am cooking until the smoke alarm goes off and I enter the kitchen to battle flames on the stove or take something burning out of the oven when the timer has been going off but I did not recognize that’s what the sound was.

I know that I am not getting better. I know that someday it will be up to my husband to which home he puts me in for my own safety. I know this and I have accepted it, but I still fight it. I still want to see my son head off to college and my daughter graduate, but I might not. I had thought that I would not make it to see them both graduate from high school, but my son is now a Senior and I am still not to the point of heading to a home.

I think of the job interview I have coming up. I know, sounds like I can barely take care of myself. What is most annoying is this is just a day. Tomorrow it would seem (other than the sleep) that there is nothing wrong with me. My medications stay down, I don’t have a headache. I can do the few hours on the computer at a time (still must be careful, too much computer and it’s a headache and then maybe a migraine). But it’s those days that I volunteer at places. Again back to the job interview. I want to work, my kids are to the age that working a little is not going to affect their upbringing, but only part-time while my son is in school. The job is helping other veterans. It’s part-time and because they want another veteran to have the job, it might be a match. They understand that I may call in and say that I cannot make it in that day, well my husband will mostly call in. He calls in when I have appointments that I cannot make. Most employers (and I understand and agree with them not hiring me) cannot hire someone who cannot say when they will be able to work. They have positions that even what they consider are “flexible” I cannot do. I have a good college degree (Ph.D.), I have a great volunteer track, I even great experience, but even with that all, I cannot even get to be hired, let alone keep the job. The last time that I officially worked was 13 years ago where I had no more leave or sick days to take and eventually had to quit. On the days that I could work, I would stay longer to give me the “extra” time on the days that I would leave early or call in. I lasted three years, two different agencies, so really it was a little over a year and all the available take off days were gone, and so was the extra time that I could accumulate.

I hope that I can keep this job. The criteria for it is a high school diploma or GED.  The HR department had to be told yes, that was the position that I was applying for, and yes I understand the pay. I have tried to have my own business, but when you cannot be on the computer some days, well you need to get orders out. And trying to promote your business when it’s pretty much an online business is difficult when you can only be on the computer for a few hours here and there. (Yep days to do this posting). Retail I can just forget. A note on the door apologizing you are not in during your normal working hours doesn’t keep customers. I have thought about teaming up with someone, but I don’t trust easy and that’s something you need to do in a partnership.

I use to be good with numbers, loved statistics, love percentages, but at times you might as well put a kindergartener there because that’s how the brain works, or doesn’t is more like it. One day I can sit and look up how an article did their research numbers and see where they are off, just by looking, they gave too much on each side for radicals. Other days if you give me two numbers that have two digits and have me add them, I need paper and a few minutes, or longer, if I can do it. I can forget how to divide by percentages, something so simple on other days. Then there are things that did not come back. I was an expert shot in the military, ribbon with two stars (three separate weapons). I do not have that depth perception any more. I cannot tell how tall a person is by just looking at them, even looking at them next to something I know the height of. Measuring is only done with tools, guessing is so off. I cannot look at a building and “see” what it would look like if it was another color, or higher. My husband has the hardest time understanding when he says, “so if we put a wall here…” There isn’t a wall there, when a wall does get build there I can see it, without it I cannot. I can pull out of my memory (when it’s working) what a tree looks like. I cannot see what a tree looks like if I have never seen that tree before, no matter how long and detailed you try to describe. I need visuals, pictures.

Oh, do not get me wrong. I am so thankful for what I still do have. I am thankful on the days that I can be me, well the now me. I am blessed for all that I do have. Blessed that I still have a positive outlook, even when the VA gives me another letter that asks the same information that was answered months ago. Blessed that I found such a great husband who does understand that I need more additional help each year.

The ends as it begins, me in the bed, lying there waiting for sleep. Will it come? Yes, when and how much is really the questions. This is a day that I stayed in, a day I did not have to deal with other people I do not know, crowds or appointments at the VA. Today I did not have the other thoughts, thoughts that someone is looking at me odd, or I did not understand that comment that was said, was it sexual, is he hitting on me, am I allowing my past to dictate my reality? That’s for another day. This day was ok, it was at home, and I am still here.

Taking the decision of prosecution out of commanders hands.

I have decided that I am on the side of taking the decision of going toward a court-martial, is cases of sexual assault, out of the hands of the commander. I have read the bill and listened to hours of testimony and this is another way the branches can show that they have no tolerance for sexual assault.

Of the testimonies against this action were commanders in the different branches. They stated that taking this action would take away the ability of the commander to set the tone for no tolerance. It also would take away the deterrent the commander has of going to court martial if the member does not accept an Article 15 (non-judicial punishment). I don’t see it that way. If there is not sufficient evidence for a court-martial then giving the member the option of Article 15 or court-martial is still there.

Say Marine A is in front of the commander and has been accused of sexual assault. If the lawyer does not see the ability of going straight to a court-martial the commander can still give the Article 15, or lesser reprimand, which with the non-judicial punishment proceedings Marine A could demand a court-martial instead. The ability to back the no tolerance is still there. What is no longer there is the ability of the commander to discreetly do away with the allegations or to give a lesser reprimand to Marine A because Marine A happens to be what they call a golden soldier.

I, unfortunately, saw way too many allegations go nowhere because it is easier to silence a victim than to deal with what is happening in the squadron. Most disturbing was many of the accused were commanders. I understand this was over 20 years ago, but I have not been out of touch with what is still occurring. I have heard hundreds of people’s stories (if not more) and there was ample evidence for prosecution, but the commander decided not to do anything, or give a slap on the wrist, even just a “don’t do that again.”

My reply to the commanders is – this is not some new epidemic, it has been going on longer than 20 years, and so far the commanders (as a whole) have not done a good job, so why would we believe them now? If true action is to be taken, then let’s take it. This actually does not interfere with the commander’s authority, but backs it. If there is ample reason for court-martial then that should already have been the commander’s decision. It is the commanders that want to not prosecute that this “interferes” with. Commanders are not lawyers, they are not (generally) educated in the legal aspects of prosecution, especially for such a heinous crime as sexual assault.