I am depressed. I am not sad, I am depressed, there is a big difference. My thoughts have turned to ending it all, yes I am talking about suicide. I have had a plan and the ability to go forth with that plan for years, what keeps me from going through with it? My children. I know the emotional turmoil that my children would go through if I was to go through with it.
Let me tell you about this depression. Nothing bad happened today. It's has actually been a very nice day, sunny, not too hot, no real stress, and I have this overwhelming feeling of dread. If I allow my mind to wonder it was head down that spiral staircase into depths that darkness I do not ever want to go to again. I have been crying, at what, at nothing. There wasn't a sad story that I saw, there wasn't bad news that I had heard, out of all the external problems which can happen in life, none of them have happened to day, yet I still am depressed.
That is how you think that you are going "nuts." Inside my mind I can feel the darkness. I am not interested in doing anything. If I was to win a million dollars it would not matter today, nothing matters today. I know logically that it is just some chemical that is being under produced or over produced, what was it triggered by? Today I do not know. Today I really do not care what triggered it. As I stated before if I allowed my mind to think about it today I would slide down that slipper slope that I teeter on so often.
Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe it will not, all I have right now is right now, and right now I am depressed.
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