Don't care 10 October 2011

I don't like these days, days that I just don't seem to care. Nothing is exciting, nothing seems like I should be doing it, or that I even want to do it. My pills count (medications the VA has me on, well the ones that I am actually taking) is about 5 twice a day. That does not account for the vitamins and other stuff that I need, but if it was up to the VA I would be downing about 10 pills three times a day. That's the difficulty, do I take the meds and not deal with the symptoms but am able to watch TV, and pretty much nothing else. Or deal with the pain and other symptoms and be able to somewhat concentrate. At times it just feels better to just want to take them all and not feel, not think, not deal with life, but that's not me. I want to be productive, I want to add to this life, I want to have my children think more of me than just someone who is just there. But then today I really don't care.

Sure it makes no sense, most of my emotions do not make much sense, they do not logically go along with anything that happens during the day. I did painting today, why? I did not think of anything else to do, well I really did not care to do anything else, I actually did not care to paint, but it was to not get splinters when I walk up the stairs, not really something neat, just practical.

I could make some jewelry, could do some more painting on the great room ceiling, I could take pictures of the trim that i need to put up on Etsy, I could write on the books that I have going. There is so much that I could be doing, but I don't care to do any of them. It's not a depression day, one where I would just rather go back to bed and see if my life really was just a dream (oh I do wish), but nothing. I have no emotions. I do not feel sad, I do not feel happy, I really do not feel. Even if I try and put a smile on my face, watch something that I use to laugh about, I just stare and nothing. I know there are 100 things that I had on my "to do" list for the day, I got up, that pretty much was it, oh and the painting to keep from getting splinters.

Right as I got to the last three stairs to paint, one of the cats decided to run up the wet stairs. Well it was a chase and when I got to the top there were not little paw prints of paint all over, she missed all the wet stuff, but I didn't. My shoes were covered, there were huge shoe marks all the way up. I grabbed the cat and put her back into the other part of the house but nothing. I did not care that she had went up the stairs, even while I chased her and thought I would be cleaning up little paw prints of paint all over the wood floors, I was not mad, I was not upset, I just knew that was what i needed to do. i do not like days like this. If something terrible happened today it would not matter, i would not respond. I have been through days like this, and I have had people I know die, and I did not really care. I did not cry, it was more like, "that's bad." Numbness toward emotions, that's what it is. I am sure that it was triggered from something and that it is just my way of surviving through it, but I don't even care to know what the trigger is. Tomorrow could be different, I hope so because I hate not feeling. You would think it would be wonderful, to not feel all the sadness but that also means you do not feel the happiness.